Disclaimer: I'm the mono husband of a cheating to polyamory wife, and we opted for reconciling. So some of my views may not be as cheating-tolerant as others.
Graviton: I'm the husband of Vixtoria so I do have some idea how shattering it is to be cheated on. So I understand how you might be feeling. I hope no one on the forums disregards how shocked and betrayed you're probably still feeling, even months later. However, I also perceive that there is still ALOT of anger and upset to be dealt with before the work of forgiveness can start. Vix and I have often made the comparison to having a spouse burn your house to the ground and now BOTH of you have a lot of work to do rebuilding if you want to continue having a home, which includes clearing out the burnt debris.
One of the resources Vix and I liked was the book “After the Affair” by Janis A Spring. I liked it because it did a good job describing how the betrayed partner might be feeling as well as some insights on what the betrayer was thinking / feeling. Also it suggested that extra relationships be put on hold, whereas every other affair recovery book DEMANDED a complete and permenant break up. Another thing I liked is it talked about deciding whether or not to try and reconcile or just call it quits. That's YOUR biggest step. You talk of forgiving her, but you THINK you're over the hump as far as deciding whether to leave her or not. (To be honest, I feel you have every right to still be this upset) IMO, you're still at the crossroads of deciding whether or not you want to reconcile or just be with the GF. Regardless of what others think about recovering from cheating while there's a 3rd party involved, I DO NOT see that working very often (almost Never). So my big advice for right now: Figure Out What You Want To Do. Work on reconciling with Wife or Cultivate The Relationship With GF. I'm not saying dump GF if you decide to reconcile but it's going to take ALOT of work and if GF is in the immediate vicinity as an “escape route”, it's going to sap your inclination to do the work. I agree with many of the others about reconciling not being JUST her job. If you're not even open to the option, there's NOTHING she can do. However, that does NOT mean she gets a clean slate, as if the transgression never occurred. (Would that be the advice for someone who was the victim of sexual assault or domestic violence? I would argue the infidelity can be nearly as shattering.) However, I think it means that you both acknowledge the mistake, the parts (minor and major) from each of you that promoted the mistake and how to move on from here.
Sorry, as I said, Wife and I are trying to reconcile past mistake on both of our parts, so my thoughts skew in that direction.
Last edited by Icewraithonyx; 07-05-2013 at 10:12 PM.