Thanks Vixtoria I appreciate your input. I guess the best way I can describe my forgiveness is that my head has forgiven her but my heart has not. I am very logically minded and can rationalize what happened and forgive it. My wife has agreed to do anything to rebuild my trust in her and has been great ever since. I am waaaay past the need for anger or vindictiveness, and trust me when I say there was plenty of it that I'm not proud of. I hurt for her because she hasn't forgiven herself. However my heart still aches and sobs because of it. My heart still screams "how could you do this?"
nycindie ...I also recognized from the beginning that I am responsible for most of the work if I want our marriage to work. I remember cursing at my wife in the days after I kicked her out about how unfair it is that the betrayed spouse is the one who has to do all the work to maintain the relationship while the cheater just has to perform a few trivial steps to build trust like opening there communications for scrutinizing and trying to be loving to their partner without being defensive or accusatory. My wife says she feels so helpless because she recognizes how powerless she is in my rebuilding a connection with her. It was my sense of pride, trust, and understanding of the world that was torn asunder, and I am the only one who can rebuild that which is mine. Once I have rebuilt it, it will look very much different than what it use to be. I may not like how it looks, my wife may not like how it looks, and because of that our marriage may end. But I do recognize that the burden and work is mine to perform.