I've been thinking about needs and wants. I feel I shouldn't need people but simply want to be with them. This has been my work of late; how to manage on filling my own needs first to see if its possible or if I can. Then looking at what I want to do after that.
I'm enjoying the separateness in this process. Surprisingly it's lifted my belief that I have obligations to others which lead me to be in the thick of a lot of other people's stuff. It felt like cabin fever. Now I feel as if I can be around yet can chose to walk out the door to do my own thing when it's best for me.
What I really need to focus on is putting my eggs in one basket. I feel as if I am doing that with Mono still and I am struggling to focus on me rather than him. If I can focus on me then it works to focus on us rather than just him.
Life at home is really great right now. PN and I are getting on really well and enjoying our routines and time together. He and I are such a great team. We do so well together. We have some great plans for house renovations and I feel as if we can sustain what we have, all of us, together, for quite some time. I was inspired this morning when I read about a couple who stayed in their house raising their kids for years all while having their own relationships outside of that. The kids grew and moved on and the two parents are fast friends and talk and spend time together every day. They made is work for the long haul and I intend to do that too. It makes me happy to know that PN and I are on the same page.
Pulling away yet staying in touch with Derby and Brad and their families has proved both difficult and not at the same time. It will take time to unfold a new reality I think. I have lots of feelings of regret, feelings of sadness and compersion for them at the same time. I am happy that they have each other and that things are ticking along, but it still makes me sad that I was unable to sustain the dynamic I had with them within that. I have no regrets, but I wish I were a bigger person with more capabilities. I feel as if I failed them and myself, and everyone around us but realize that I learned a lot about my capacity to take on many relationships at once and that I needed to learn that. I think that its possible they have moved on and don't hurt as much by my actions by now and that at least makes me feel somewhat happy.
I haven't said anything within our local community and have backed away from most things by now. I don't keep in touch with many people and am starting to make new friends. At some point I intend to reach out to people I know and tell them what is going on for me but for now I am still processing and finding my feet. I still host a local get together and will host the women's group I think come the fall.
I left the telling of what's been going on to others and trust that if someone wants to talk to me about it and find out details I can't and won't give here, they will. True friends and people who love and care for me reveal themselves in time. I am confident that all that needs to be revealed will.
I don't in any way believe that I am made out to be a good guy in all this. I don't expect that people will be kind and gentle with me all the time. I don't expect that assumptions won't be made based on someone's fabrication in their mind of who they think I am either. Its so easy to take a story and twist it to tarnish a persons name and character publicly based on little bits of info and personal takes on who I am. I have experienced this first hand over and over again in my life and while I do take my turn at venting to others I like to think that that stops in the public domain. Sadly, it doesn't for others and I am sure there is and will be times when I will not be welcome to be with others due to what rumours go around. I can only hope that those that know me will defend me or at the very least find out from me what is going on by asking with a loving and empathetic heart. This blog is NOT the whole story, nor will it ever be. I'm not a fool. This is public. I say as much as I can but not all.
I have a friend at work that has been a rock to me. Well, several actually. They and she have helped me so much by listening to all the details I can lavish from my mind. I have sorted so much out this way and I am very grateful. I offer the same to them and I am grateful for these true friendships. Everyone needs a safe space to work on stuff and I have surprisingly found it at work. Who knew a bunch of monogamous women would be so up on poly by now that they can listen, question, support and respect that I am not like them. I love them dearly and especially my one friend. I really admire people that can step out of their reality and personal take on life long enough to love and respect someone completely different from them. I guess that is why we are all so good at looking after people with sever mental and physical disabilities. It kind of comes with the territory.