nycindie, that was an awesome distillation of the knowledge I've watched you painfully gain for yourself (from your blog).
Also, the synchronicity in my life is kind of amazing today. Someone in my local poly group posted an article that talks about this same concept in a different way (and I read that early this morning). Then I had lunch with a married couple I haven't seen in a long time, and after he went to work, she and I had a gabfest, and she described much the same thing, in her own way.
I'm beginning to wonder what hideous change the universe has in store for me. :P