Originally Posted by MrMom
First off, if any of my questions are not appropriate or not within the focus of this community (i.e. more for a counselor than a bunch of strangers on the internet) I apologize and feel free to move on.
My wife just told me she's been having an affair for a while with another man. She blames this on needing to find something that's been lacking in our relationship. She want to be able to continue seeing this person and move our relationship into polyamory.
Here's my concern: I told her that with some time I may consider an open marriage to a degree, but that I'm not comfortable with the person she's with. She says that she doesn't want to be with anyone else besides him (and me). Is she just using polyamory and the concept of an open marriage as a tool to enable her to stay with this person and not destroy our family? I feel as if she's not really interested in polyamory if she can't have this one particular individual.
Thanks for any advice. I do respect the concept and I respect those living it for being able to overcome the things that I'm struggling with.
:: edit :: Ok, so maybe I should read all 3 pages before I post... even though it might not be helpful, I don't think it will hurt to leave it up.
Let me start with the fact that I am new to Poly and I dealing with almost the same thing as you and your wife but I am the one who had an affair.
I can tell you that I 100% do love the woman I was having an affair with. I would love to be able to convince my wife to open our marriage to include her but know that she will have the exact same response as you if she were to be ok with the idea. She would say HELL NO NOT WITH HER!!!
I would say the exact thing your wife said. I only want to be with my wife and the other woman. The emotions I have for both of them have been formed over MANY years of knowing them and I couldn't imagine falling into love with anyone else because of the lack of history. I don't want to "find" another love because I already have them.
Since I am still trying to come to terms to tell my wife about what has happened and that I would like to open our marriage in this manner, I don't have any answers... I just want you to know that there is a great chance that she really does love this other man (as I love the other woman) and we don't want to use Poly as a reason to have other sexual partners.
I don't know if this helps at all but feel free to PM me.