Originally Posted by anon4now
I'm still wrestling with my own issues of loving another but not thinking I could handle it if my wife or an eventual other were to say they loved another too. I feel like a pig in that way. I guess that is a case of me needing to make sure that an eventual third and my wife are fully aware of my expectations and needs in that regard.
Thank you to those that have sent polite e-mails and actually discussed this with me instead of just labeling what I've done. That has helped more than you will know (or in the case of a couple of you, you know since you came from the same situation).
Yes my friend, some of us really do know. It's not easy to get "back on track" but it can be done. I'm very proud of you for standing up and doing the right thing in stopping a lie.
I DO understand the heartache of those emotions still being there. I struggled through that one for YEARS. It was well worth it-to allow myself to find out what it was I was really capable of, finding out what it means to be poly and then setting the tables all straight with my husband, and now-that love is fulfilled, as it WAS true between GG and I.
In regards to your concern with your wife ever having a lover. That isn't too unusual-but it IS another sign that you have some work to do.
(go figure huh?)
It's not really a poly issue per se. It's more of an acceptance of truth issue. You already KNOW that it's possible to love two people. Because you do.
So-what is it that you fear in your wife potentially loving another?
Go deep my friend, even if you NEVER have a poly relationships, it's well worth the effort to work on your insecurities-and this is an insecurity.
So-another little "been there done that" example.
I'm poly, married to Maca, gf of GG, we live together as a V.
So we worked on our boundary list (every relationship should have one, even mono relationships, they help A LOT). I realized that I am not ready for GG to consider another girlfriend. We talked, I realized that I was afraid of losing him to someone who COULD be his wife.
Really silly actually. Because after 17 years I ought to know he isn't going anywhere.
But with a bit more introspection and a bit of talking it became clear that the biggest issue was that I was afraid, because we've never BEEN a couple in that time.
We decided to agree that for the next bit he won't be looking for a girlfriend ANYWAY since he doesn't have enough time IN HIS OPINION for us, so he wants to wait until we get some of our bills taken care of and less work is needed, more time available-but we'll keep talking when we redo boundaries.
(boundary list should be a "living document" in that it changes as the people in the relationship have changing needs)
Maca was thinking he wanted a girlfriend "right now" because it would be "more fair" since I have GG. But after he really started looking into himself-he figured out he wasn't ready for someone YET. He has some things he wants to work on in himself first.
Overall, when we started digging we found more in ourselves that needed dealt with. When i think about GG having a girlfriend-that doesn't bother me anymore, because I know we're taking some time to settle into our relationship first. That in itself has been enough for me to start looking at potentials for him (sigh)
And with Maca, same thing. Also-he still struggles with some aspects of GG and I. For instance, he doesn't want to think about us having sex-he KNOWS we do, but he doesn't want to see or think about it. He knows it's something he needs to deal with.
When we started this situation, we didn't do ANYTHING in front of him, then we would cuddle on the couch together to watch a movie, then we got to where he could handle our hugging/kissing good night.
Does that make sense? Or is it helpful at all??