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Old 07-03-2013, 01:32 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,272
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Newbie9 View Post
I clicked over and read your entire journey blog (you are adorable and your blog is fascinating, btw)
>blush< Thank you - I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Newbie9 View Post
I am unclear how your behavior was cheating. I'd maybe call it a boundaries limit violation? I guess it's just semantics but to me cheating is a set of choices and deceptions made deliberately or subconsciusly in order to break a known rule. I'm just curious.
A grey area, I admit, and others have questioned it as well. Ultimately what defines "cheating" to me - are the explicit/implicit agreements/expectations in a relationship - and that depends on the individuals involved. For some couples/relationships there are various types of behaviours that would be considered some sort of "cheating" - you might come across people referring to "an emotional affair" for instance.

Even if you limit the definition to "sexual infidelity" you get into an micro-nuanced discussion of what "sex" actually is. (Note here: almost everyone seems to think that their definition of sex is clear and straightforward ... and someone else will disagree).

Very early on I had, tongue-in-cheek, coined a phrase that defined behaviors with others that would require notification of prior intent and "further conversation" within our relationship. ("Mucus Membranes Must not Meet") - which was a summation of an awareness of pregnancy/STI risk. However, also very early on, MrS had expressed a "No Boys" boundary...Admittedly, both of these "boundaries" were rather vague, we kind of counted on our penchant for discussing things to death to keep each other on the same page. Despite being (objectively) lousy boundaries, they did suffice for 19 years.

SO - while I wasn't breaking the "MMMnM" rule (which he later pointed out was MY "rule" for HIM), I was definitely breaking the "No Boys" rule - which had been so bent and stretched over the previous decades (under controlled situations, with prior FWB, or with explicit prior disclosure) that I was able to delude myself into believing that it no longer "really" applied.

In the long run - it was "cheating" because everyone involved felt that "cheating" had occurred. Rules (explicit or implied) were bent, Trust was broken. This wasn't a one-off, one-time episode - over a period of 2-3 months I repeatedly allowed myself to put myself in situations with Dude where some sort of sexual activity (although not "sex" by MY definition) could/would occur...and I failed to disclose a "more than platonic friends" status to my husband, while maintaining the fiction that that was what was going on.

There was deception and rule-breaking..."cheating" vs. "boundaries limit violation"...yup, semantics. The fact that it was largely self-deception and the rules were poorly defined ... don't change the fact that actual, justified, pain was caused.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Newbie9 View Post
I especially liked the description of the relationship between your grandparents. so cute!!
They were, seriously, that adorable. (Grandpa died in January...Grandma is, amazingly, hanging on...sometimes she "knows" that he is gone...but I don't think she really "believes" it... So lovely, and so sad.)

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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