Had an odd dream this weekend. I was in high school and was feeling very shy. During a class discussion someone randomly said something sexual about me and I responded with something like "That's great I don't think anyone has ever said anything like that about me before so I'll take it" The teacher got really upset with me, I guess for having a positive response to it. I was feeling very ashamed about it but then she started giving me this bizarre guilt trip about how I would never find a man who wanted to marry me if I acted like that. Suddenly I realized something weird was going on because I knew in reality I did find a man to marry me. I started trying to explain to her, "Oh I'm sorry, you have no idea what you're talking about, I've been married for years!" The teacher was aghast. I must have found that amusing because I decided to hit her with the fact that I had another boyfriend for years too. She was even more appalled and started ranting about how I could never have a proper family to which I responded "Oh no we're not having kids!" She nearly fainted from the shock and then went on to say how terribly sad my life was going to be. I was just laughing and I knew I couldn't explain how I knew all this while I was still in high school because I knew I was in a dream now. I kept telling her I was proud of all that stuff and my life is great, and all we do is go out adventuring because I'm just not concerned with building whatever life she thought I needed. Then I woke up under the stars in the mountains, high fived my dog and went back to sleep.
I had a real lousy month and had been avoiding posting my rants. Thanks for the reminder things aren't too shabby self!
In contrast I had a conversation with Herman recently where he mentioned feeling like he was a disappointment to his parents. He's mentioned this before and I don't get it. Both of his brothers are still living at home in their 30s. The vast majority of his cousins had kids in their teens and are already divorced, broke and often unemployed, how could they really be disappointed in him? Ok so the rest of them bring their kids over and his parents adore them and that's great but they've known we weren't planning on having kids for many years. They were certainly the first members of the family to stop harassing me about it. They are traditional but ultimately very very kind and loving people. I know all they really want is for him to be happy. This was definitely the right choice for us. I know he agrees with that. Maybe its something else entirely and I focus on that because I feel responsible for that part. I can't seem to get him to peg what he should have done better. Maybe I just can't relate to that part of the parental relationship. I am thankful to my parents for raising me and all but I don't think I owe them to do something specific with my life. Oddly enough my dad usually makes a big deal of telling me he's proud of me when I talk to him and it feels pretty weird and hollow. I doubt he'd be so proud about my polyamorous relationship but I really don't care.
When my mom was deciding whether to file for divorce she once told me she felt like she would be admitting that everyone was right when people told them not to marry 34 or something years prior. 34 years later you're still worried someone might say I told you so? What kind of person would hold on to something that long, and think that the reasons they were cautioned 3 decades ago are in any way related to why they divorced? If they did, how could you value their opinion anyway? Nope I am not going to be that person. I'm not going to concern myself with those who would judge how I live.