Spring was tumultuous. I was unsteady and felt for months that my relationship with Twitch had been under threat. I was exhausted with the emotional energy it took just to get through a day. Not only was this exhausting for me, but also for Twitch.
Finally I realized that I was doing us both a disservice when I put so much value on his words of love to Shasti, but then discounted those same words of love to me. I resolved that from that point on when he told me he loved me that I'd cherish it and believe him wholeheartedly.
The strain we were under took it's toll and by the time I had come to a point where I was ready to really hear his message, he was unable to tell me those words. I really didn't think I could bear to continue on with life and it was a pretty dark point.
I've been working on my autonomy in the past six weeks and I'm finally starting to feel like myself pre-poly, pre-D/s. I think that the main villain that robbed me of my autonomy was the power exchange D/s that we had explored two years ago. Oiy, when will I ever learn not to lead us down these paths?! LOL
I've started to plan things just for myself and it feels great and in turn I feel less emotionally needy which has freed Twitch up to express himself more and be more loving. I'm winning and getting what I needed by asking less of him. Sounds so simple, but it was such a journey to get to that point.
One of the changes I'm making is to begin schooling for a new career. I'm pretty excited about it and it's a good fit.
I'm also going to do some silly things, like learn to play pool.
I plan on resuming my writing on a novel I started.
So, going forward my focus is going to be less men-centric/focused and more me-focused.
Thad is still a part of my life and I have been seeing another guy every few weeks. I'm not sure where that may lead, but for now it's kind of nice, but nothing spectacular.
We move from our 4 bedroom home into a 2 bedroom flat at the end of this month; from a small town into the city in one of the most hippy dippy neighborhoods. I can hardly wait. Big changes are coming.