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Old 07-01-2013, 02:15 AM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 63
Unhappy

Hi there. First of all, I'm the mono husband of a poly wife. We'd been married for years before she started having serious feelings for others and wanted to open our marriage. That said, there were a couple of points that caught my attention.

Quote:
Originally Posted by esarati300 View Post
But me bringing the stress home and not giving much attention to her. so she went to cheat on me and had feelings for him. pretty much that is how the poly came out.
This, more than anything, is a HUGE misconception. Polyamory is about being open, honest, and respectful about non-monogamy. Except for the number of people involved, cheating is almost the exact opposite. Think of it this way: Polyamory is you willingly giving someone money because they asked. Cheating is someone hacking into your bank account and stealing from you. (And then when they get caught, they try to say "Well, let's just SAY you gave it to me. And are going to keep giving to me going forward.") You were cheated on. That's horrible and I deeply sympathize. My wife started out the same way.


Quote:
Originally Posted by esarati300 View Post
It was a very hard thing for me to accept, but I said I was willing to try out the lifestyle after days of talking about it. At first she had a good amount of lovers and I was ok with it because I know she will come back to me and still be sexual with me. I do wish I had a partner for fairness, but she have no control over that.plus girls can get many lovers just like that. There is one she have met and really fell in love with him, where he move in with us. We have a queen size bed, so we try all 3 of us to sleep in the bed. Which did not work out. she is a BBW so the space is limited. Then we switch to one night you sleep up stairs with her and some nights you sleep on the couch. For some reason I could not sleep upstairs anymore. (Not sure why) So I sleep on the couch for good. But now she is showing all the attention to him and always give him sex, where we don't have sex anymore. She always making something up, like I am going to fast or I have bad timing. she have a new set of rules. One time I ask her to go cuddle upstairs and she said no I want to stay down stairs, so I leave to do something and come back, I find her upstairs with him, having sex. she said she do feel more comfortable with him and feel awkward with me. She want to be friends for awhile before we are lovers again. Because of my stress issue. Just hard for me to be friends with her, when she still have her other lovers and having sex. I would be jealous about that because I won't get love. I do feel empty and alone. where she have so many lovers to fall back on. Just not sure if we will be lovers again. Should I be her friend and start over with or should I just move out? Just really hard knowing my wife is having sex everyday with him and sometimes I am home when it happens. Any help would be great. Just don't know where to turn.
So much wrong here I barely know where to start. Another misconception I see with "polyamory" is the idea of "I'm poly so I'm want to open up my marriage so I can have all this relationship with New while dumping all over Old." I've seen many poly relationships on here where the person in love with two people treats EACH person in a LOVING MANNER. From what you write, BF is getting all the love while you are feeling neglected. The fundamental questions for a mono in a "poly" relationship is not "Is this fair?" but "Am I getting what I need from this relationship?" and if not, "CAN I get what I need from this relationship?" It sounds like the answer is NO to both questions. Not to mention this sounds less like Polyamory and more like "She wants to freedom to have lots of sex with her BF without me making a stink over it."

Myself, I think I'd move out or ask Wife and BF to move out. This so does NOT sound like a healthy dynamic. I'm really sorry she's putting you through this.
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