I keep wanting to write something in my blog, and yet I find myself unsure. I'm unsure of what's going on, I'm unsure of what I want, I'm frustrated. Well, I was. And I just couldn't figure out how to express myself.
Looking back, I think I harboured some resentment towards Nisha for not letting me keep in touch with Greta. The thing is, I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep talking to Greta or not. On one hand I didn't, because of the way Greta sometimes treated us when we were in Berlin. I couldn't be sure if she really was my friend, or someone who selfishly thought about herself. She did try to muscle Nisha out of the way at times.
Then again, Greta was so kind to us too. She offered us her bedroom and slept in the guest-room, so that we could be more comfortable. She gave Nisha her good winter boots because Nisha's broke, while she wore her other not so good boots. She was good to us and that's what confuses me. Absolutely confuses me.
Looking back, I think she must have tried to be a good polygamist but perhaps failed, just like Nisha and I did. And I think we failed because we bite off a lot more than we could chew. We overstayed at her place, we didn't give ourselves the space we needed to deal with the situation. Perhaps the three of us should have had a sit down and talked about our desires and what we wanted from this. We never did that. All of us had unvoiced expectations which weren't known to each other and so never acknowledged or satisfied.
In short, I've been thinking about Greta and what happened and I thought about it long and hard until I had some sort of clear idea of how I felt. Then I finally brought it up with Nisha, and I told her that perhaps cutting Greta out wasn't the best solution. Nisha listened and she took a few days to think about it before honestly telling me that she wouldn't have a problem if I wanted to talk to Greta again. She needed some space and time to recover from what happened in Berlin and that she was OK now.
I really appreciate that from Nisha, it think it took a lot of courage from her. Berlin really shook us bad and we've had a hard time getting over that. I haven't spoken to Greta yet, I'm still not sure if I want to yet. I have forgiven her, and I hope she has forgiven us, but more than that... perhaps things are better left this way. Sometimes we learn a lot more from letting go...
Speaking of letting go, weirdly enough, I dreamt of an ex girlfriend whom I haven't spoken to in years last night. It started of very fun and even got a bit sexual, but in the end we tried to drown each other. I remember her trying to kick me off a ship into the stormy sea and I took her with me and tried to tie her to a pole underwater. No one died, but the dream was an angry one... I know I have a lot of unresolved resentments in my past and I just might need therapy to figure myself. I've seriously considered getting some but I'm somehow I don't like that idea, specially not in Singapore. I don't trust them to understand me and my kind of lifestyle here, they will try to "fix" me and turn me into what they consider "normal". But that's another story...
Besides the Greta incident, Nisha has been terribly busy with her new job. They've been overworking her and one of her bosses is an absolute asshole. He messed up on some project and now he's trying to get Nisha to take the fall. The thing is, Nisha's never had an issue with any of her other projects or clients exept for this one, so it's quite obvious that it's him that's the problem, not her. But in any case, she's working extra hard now to not give them the chance to put anything else on her. But all that extra work has just given us so little time to relax by ourselves. She's been very stressed, bringing work home everyday, sacrificing weekends and not getting enough sleep or exercise and that in return is getting me stressed.
I tried to tell her many times over the last few months, that she's been ignoring herself and ignoring me. I told her really nicely at first and she always listened but never did anything about it. Then I started to get annoyed and put pressure of her to get out of this work spirla but that didn't help. I started to feel like I was fighting a losing battle, that Nisha wasn't going to do anything to get a new job, to help find a new country we could move to, to make a change. We stopped talking, in some ways I had stopped feeling connected to her. I stopped feeling any spark or exitement in our relationship and I thought that the time would come for me to make a very important decision, to stay or to leave. And I didn't want to let her go but I couldn't continue simply waiting for a change that might never come.
Finally all that over work and no exercise caught up and she fell terribly ill. We had a haze problem in Singapore and Nisha, with her asthma caught a terrible throat infection. She's been so ill she's been coughing blood sometimes, but luckily that's ended now. Last night, we had a good talk about how she needs to get out of this spiral. Get on track with her projects and also balance out a healthy life. I've spoken to her about it before, but last night we drilled it down to the cause, her procrastination. She's accepted she has a problem and we're working on it together. She knows I'm always there to hold her hand all the way. Today we've started putting life back in balance. We worked (even though it is the weekend) but we also went to a park and did a little exercise. We talked and laughed and put on some jazz and cooked a good lasagna and had wine and just enjoyed ourselves like we used to in "the young new days". We really needed that, to connect with each other again. And although she's gone back to the study to work again (tough life, I know), I have a good feeling that this madness is coming to and end and life is balancing itself out again. And that makes me really happy to know that if there is an end for Nisha and me, we are no where close to it.
We had a problem with the haze in Singapore because of the forest fires in Sumatra. They've been burning down thousands of acres of forests to grow palm trees, killing hundreds of forest animals like the orang-utans without giving a flying fuck. But the farmers aren't the real ones to blame. The real bad guys are the big multi million corps that buy this oil for dirt cheap, but won't pay for sustainable farming. The bastards. Here's a little app some of my friends and I worked on in our free time, to spread awareness about the haze: www.factsbehindhaze.com
. Please take action and boycott products that don't support sustainable farming. There is no excuse for destroying forests and their inhabitats like that, only the reason of greed and corruption.