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Old 06-30-2013, 02:23 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,025

I am sorry you are upset.

This started a year ago when his behavior started becoming quite erratic and he became very controlling.
What happened a year ago? You moving for school?

Even the other day, I posted here about my bf and his gf breaking up and he texted me to find out why I hadn't mentioned him. Honestly, when he couldn't even see how that post had nothing to do with him, I lost it.
Perhaps he craves emotional intimacy from you, to hear about things in your life, however tangentially from you?

And you crave emotional space?

I would LOVE to have a relationship with him, but I feel like his passive controlling behavior is borderline emotional abuse.
If he's taking it out to crazy town, then I don't blame you for struggling. His need to feel close to you does not trump your need to be free of crazy.

My emotions range from pity to sadness to extreme anger when it comes to him. Due to the fact that I am not an emotional person, I know I obviously still care if he can make me feel all of this. I just don't know what to do.

Could determine your goal with him at the end of the trial separation.
  • Is it to get back together in a healthy way?
  • Is it to break up in a healthy way and in time be friends?

Could separate the issues one layer at a time.

1) He's asked for a monogamous relationship.
  • You are not WILLING to do that. Have you stated that clearly as a hard limit -- something that will NOT change over time?
  • You could be a polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship but are simply not willing to do that. Have you stated that firmly?

Have you reminded him of these:
  • He is free to be in a polyamorous relationship.
  • He is free to be in a monogamous relationship. (The relationship shapes he likes best are up to him.)

He might be willing to try being in polyship with you and BF (and it sounds like you all tried) but he may not be ABLE to. (Which is sounds like he's finding out.)

Whether that means he's not cut out for polyshipping at all, or not with YOU and BF like this and something has to change about how you treat each other inside the polyship, that's another thing he could determine for himself.

Have you asked him if he's willing to be in a polyamorous relationship with you and BF or if he's just done with that shape? You could ask.

Have you all talked about the skills required to be ABLE to be in a polyship and if player has them or could grow them? You could ask.

2) Has he asked you to stop being polyamorous? Or asked you to stop polyshipping? That's two different things.

You seem to perceive that he wants you to stop identifying as polyamorous and carry resentment that he would ask you to change a core thing about yourself. If he's asked that (vs. asking for no more polyshipping), you know he's not asking for something you could do. You are not ABLE to do that -- change a core identity thing about yourself like the flick of a switch.

Could let go of the resentment toward him then. You can see he's emotional and weird right now, and you expecting an emotional person to make sense is not serving you. Just builds resentment toward him. It doesn't serve you any to resent him for asking you to do something you are not even ABLE to do. It isn't like he's gonna get it. Could just lather, rinse, repeat -- "NO. That I am not willing and able to do. It is a LIMIT."

I don't understand jealousy, it has to be one of the dumbest emotions a human can feel. I don't know how to relate in this case.
Jealousy is a flag emotion. Let's a person know needs are not being met.

Could you both be willing to read and do page 5 and 6 things? What about him considering his beliefs and feelings -- about jealousy and poly hell? Could you both be willing to read those too?

What needs of his are not being met? What needs of yours are not being met? What are BF needs?

If it can be resolved in time, great.

If it just cannot... perhaps it is time to accept that it is not compatible here? And let go of the romance and concentrate more on healing and coming out good exes and friends on the other side if that is the shared goal?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-30-2013 at 02:25 PM.
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