Thank you for the advice Galagirl. I really do love him and hate to see him in pain. I read your links some time ago, and realized that I had to let go of the rope. I feel like such a failure. After years of fighting for this relationship, I had to loosen my grip.
I can't say I have completely let go yet. I am desperately trying to salvage a friendship (there is so much long term damage, it can't be more right now). I am hoping that one day we find each other again. I haven't let that thought completely go (I didn't put in all that fight for nothing).
However, I feel at this point, until J figures out what he needs, I can do nothing but be a punching bag for his emotions. I am all for supporting the one you love, and have done so for years, but his need for control has crossed a line.
I want him to be able to focus on himself and realize what an amazing person he is. I want him to find self worth without tying every bit of it to me. When I met him, he was a strong, independent man. I want him to find that again, I was facilitating the co-dependency. Although, you need to be able to rely on those you love to help support you while you swim to shore, if the one you are helping is sitting on your shoulders, no one is getting very far.
We have booked him a two week trip to Washington state to see his best friend. He needs this. He needs a guy trip and some time away. I hope he starts coming around so that we can work on us again eventually.
LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".
C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".
Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon