This is not working out
I am not sure what to do in this situation anymore.
I am poly, I have been poly since I first met my husband 13 years ago. I kept it repressed (didn't even know what I was doing was poly) but always had a second man in my life.
Our relationship started poly, on bad terms unfortunately (oh and I was 20), I found out not long into my relationship with my hubby (then my bf) that the guy I was in the situation with wanted to introduce me to poly because he felt terrible about all the cheating he was doing. Needless to say, the relationship with my high school sweetheart did NOT continue, as I will not deal with cheaters.
However, I stayed with my hubby and 13.5 years later, we are married and that high school sweetheart is still married to the girl that was my best friend. Anyway, J and I spent a few tumultous years just us, then about 9.5 years ago I met D. He and I grew so close, that everyone called him my second husband. This lasted for 7 years, it was never sexual, but we did everything, including sleep together many nights. I thought for the longest time he was just a really good best friend, but I loved him with all my heart and eventually realized that it was so much more than that. This lasted for 7 years. It has been over a year since I even talked to him, and just thinking about him still makes me tear up a bit.
Then last September, I met someone. I mentioned him to my husband in passing, we got along very well, that was all. Eventually, it started to develop into more. I spoke with my husband immediately, who knew I had been poly from the day we met, and he told me it was okay to take it further.
Unfortunately, the hubby and I had been having problems for years, and me having moved away for graduate school wasn't helping things. He told me it was okay, I waited a long time and we had a lot of discussions because I wasn't sure what to do. Well, eventually, I decided to pursue the relationship. It has been 3 months now, and things couldn't be going better with the bf. I tried to find a hubby a nice gf since we are hours away from one another and I don't want him to be lonely. I actually helped him set up a few dating profiles and gave him dating advice (he has always been a little awkward with women, its adorable).
He has dated two girls and so far it hasn't worked out. While he was dating them, he had no problem with my bf and I. However, because they have both been short term, his being okay with me and my bf goes in and out. The two of them get along great, but my husband has been on an emotional rollercoaster and is clinging for dear life.
This started a year ago when his behavior started becoming quite erratic and he became very controlling. This has been pulling us apart for a while, but I just couldn't take it anymore. We are in a temporary separation, because after he had sex with the second gf he realized that he needed something more meaningful and is not okay with what he termed casual sex. Then he told me he needed me to be mono. Well even after all these years, he was asking me to be something I never was.
Right now, we are split up. Due to all the hurt and attempts at control (I know he didn't mean them, but no matter what therapy or discussions we had he still was doing it, repeatedly). My bf and hubby are both very disappointed, because they really wanted the triad that we had (so did I, it was wonderful when he decided he wasn't moody that day).
Right now, the hubby and I are starting with salvaging a friendship and are struggling to do that. I keep trying because I know he is lonely. I keep trying because I do love him and I know his heart is breaking. However, he can't seem to stop his behavior.
Even the other day, I posted here about my bf and his gf breaking up and he texted me to find out why I hadn't mentioned him. Honestly, when he couldn't even see how that post had nothing to do with him, I lost it. I felt it was another attempt to even control what I am posting on a message board that I am supposed to get raw, honest advice from. He then told me I was a fraud if I kept him listed in my signature, because I wasn't representing how things are for us right now.
I don't know if I can ever feel for him like I used to. However, I do love him and to know he cries every day is breaking my heart. I would LOVE to have a relationship with him, but I feel like his passive controlling behavior is borderline emotional abuse.
I will do almost anything to help him figure things out. I would love to see him smile again. We can't even be in each others presence anymore without me seeing sadness. I went to 4 years of couples therapy with him to straighten everything out. Then he asks me to bottle away what he has always known me to be.
My emotions range from pity to sadness to extreme anger when it comes to him. Due to the fact that I am not an emotional person, I know I obviously still care if he can make me feel all of this. I just don't know what to do.
Even my bf keeps trying to give me advice to help us work it out. He knows we stayed together because we were an amazing team and loved our family. He doesn't want our triad gone any more than I do. I'm so lost.
I don't understand jealousy, it has to be one of the dumbest emotions a human can feel. I don't know how to relate in this case.
LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".
C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".
Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon