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Old 06-28-2013, 06:29 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida, USA
Posts: 475

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
don't you feel rather... policed by that kind of approach? I mean, it clearly sounds like you are just plain not trusted. Not trusted to be rational, not trusted to respect your commitments, and not trusted to make choices about how to live your own life.
It's annoying for sure, but you've got to take it in context: He watched me shatter into pieces over the first person I dated outside our marriage (she was a really bad trip.) Her appearance in my life wasn't planned, and it surprised and hurt him to see me fall for someone else, and then watching me suffer over her was no picnic. He's not generally an overbearing, overprotective man, or he would NOT be my life partner.

But, since he IS my life partner, I don't expect him to do all the compromising. He thought he was getting monogamy in his marriage, I thought I could handle it--and did for 15 years. Now, I've changed the rules. It's unrealistic to expect him to suddenly overcome a lifetime of thinking a certain way. He's already stepped far out of his comfort zone to accommodate MY needs, as he himself has no desire for other partners.

If the question is "Does DADT work?" we have to admit that this way of having multiple relationships has a long, distinguished history. I mean, ever since there's been marriage, there's been secret love affairs, plenty, I'm sure, which are fulfilling for all parties involved. At least in my situation, everyone knows they're in a DADT relationship...But that being said, I personally hope hubby and I come to a more open place over time. But for now, his insistence on DADT is not a deal-breaker for me.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I would say that a lot of inner work needs to be done, individually and between the two of you, to dig deeper at fears, trust issues, and communication, before you ever embark on any relationships outside your marriage.
Well, that's a nice idea, but I don't think my sexuality is a genie that I'm willing to shove back in her bottle just now, I've already been repressing her for 15 years. My husband and I work very hard on our marriage, we stay mindful, we talk a lot, we support each other in our careers, we laugh, we argue, we cuddle, we make love. I accept that he might never be the guy capable of the sort of open relationship many have on this forum. He's just plain more traditional. So, we either wiggle around in our comfort zones and try to find a place where we can BOTH live comfortably, or we go our separate ways. So far, every day, we make the choice to stay together.
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