Thread: Shame and Fear
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Old 06-28-2013, 03:44 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
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Originally Posted by KingCobra View Post
Howver, what WAS a surprise was that when the wife had flown up to visit her this last April (we are in MA she is in CA so I encouraged flying out visits) that they had kissed. It was a surprise because I had found out by... -sigh- I read one of my wife's texts and it mentioned it in very romantic terms.

I thought that I had forgiven and everything was kosher but I still had lingering doubts and fears, this was the only thing in 7 years my wife hadn't told me upfront, as she thought I would leave and divorce her.

This morning I woke my wife up to tell her the truth and she was hurt and dissappointed but couldn't be mad at me because she felt while not -right- it was predictable I would have acted that way
You came clean, and that's a good step. That is one very small step in this issue.

To me the real issue you need to address is the cause for these things:
1. Why were you snooping through her things in the first place?
2. Why did she expect you would do it?
3. Why did she suspect you would leave her for kissing someone who you guys were talking about having a threesome with?
These are some giant red flags which should indicate that there is a fundamental issue in how you guys relate to each other. You are not relating to each other as adults who are capable of making their own decisions. You seem to be relating to each other like parent and child; you assume she's lying and she assumes your are irrational and reactionary.

Why are these assumptions in play? Is it true? Is she a liar and you are irrational and reactionary? Is there some kind of past damage from previous relationships you guys are grandfathering into your current relationship?

I understand you feel bad for snooping. I would feel like crap if I'd done it. However, the fact that you "feel bad" isn't going to get your relationship anywhere. The only thing that is going to help is for you to figure out what the heck is going on with this snooping instinct and to do a thorough personal inventory about how you relate to her which would make her assume you'll dump her because she kissed someone who she pretty obviously has feelings for.
Me: male, 40, straight, single
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