Shame and Fear
So, to anyone who read my introduction post, it may have sounded like my life was happy hunky dorey rainbows and butterflies. And while that's pretty true 80-90% of the time, there's been a lot of things wearing me down lately.
About three years ago my wife met her now bestfriend online and they hit it off well. I had jealousy issues then due to intrusion (they would text. Constantly. Even when the wife[then-fiance] and I were out at dinner. Over time, it just became a thing. No problem.
This March-ish I found out that they'd confessed their love for each other the previous November. While I was hurt, I'd suspected so it didn't come as a surprise. It was then that I started researching poly because while they said they'd be satisfied just being close friends, I wanted to explore all the optiona for everyone involved. Additionally, and importantly, we invited her to move in with us and she happily accepted because any relational stress with us by her reckonig would be less stress than where she is now.
Howver, what WAS a surprise was that when the wife had flown up to visit her this last April (we are in MA she is in CA so I encouraged flying out visits) that they had kissed. It was a surprise because I had found out by... -sigh- I read one of my wife's texts and it mentioned it in very romantic terms.
I was floored, not because they had kissed (three days before the kiss happened I'd consented to the idea of a threesome) but because I asked my wife if anything had happened romantically and she insisted nothingbhad happened. We hashed things out for several hours and I was hurt and betrayed but I couldn't find it in me to be as angry as I thought I would be.
I thought that I had forgiven and everything was kosher but I still had lingering doubts and fears, this was the only thing in 7 years my wife hadn't told me upfront, as she thought I would leave and divorce her.
Flash forward to now, five weeks later and This morning i admitted I'd done a terrible thing that I'm ashamed I even thought about doing: About ten times I spied on their IM chat conversations. I'm still queasy thinking about it, after all that I still spied?
This morning I woke my wife up to tell her the truth and she was hurt and dissappointed but couldn't be mad at me because she felt while not -right- it was predictable I would have acted that way and asked me to stop, which I agreed. I also sent an email to the best friend admitting everything. I'm fearful for their relationship, and my relationship with the best friend and I've just been a mess the last 48 hours.
Last edited by KingCobra; 06-28-2013 at 02:26 PM.