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Old 06-27-2013, 07:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I will agree with the confusion. See I met them both swinging and its not assumed or really discussed when it comes to limitations and communication seems unclear from my experience. I never felt I had the right to ask either of them who they were with. When I tried with bf2 he kind of bleWhichw it off acting like he was just swinging with others and we had something special. I didn't know what to believe and that maybe it's best if we had a dont ask dont tell relationship.....
I have seen people come here with a similar idea about poyamory -- they have the idea that it's all supposed to be about loving multiple people but feeling no jealousy, or abiding by others' "rules" without having their own clear boundaries, and then they don't know whether or not they can ask certain questions of their partners, or they think they're not allowed to define their own personal boundaries.

However, whether we're talking about swinging, polyamory, just friendships, or even work relationships, logic should dictate that if one is unclear about something and needs information, one should ask for clarification. Otherwise, we'd all be stumbling around in the dark.

As I said before, it seems that you lose yourself a bit in your relationships. Your hesitancy to ask for what you needed or to negotiate for what would make YOU comfortable, tells me that - and what I mean by it, is that you lose your sense of self to the point where you are not confident in taking action or making a choice. Otherwise, why would you feel you "never had the right" to ask simple questions to gain clarity on a dynamic between you and someone with whom you are sharing your body and developing a relationship? We may not get answers or satisfying responses, but we certainly all have a right to ask a question, to develop and express to others clearly what our boundaries are, and to find out whether the people we get involved are willing to respect our boundaries.

You let these men make all the rules for for how you could have a relationship. You lost a bit of yourself. And that is why, I think, it feels like such a wrenching hurt to not have him in your life right now - you let too much of yourself get wrapped up in him, and basically gave away your personal power.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
He's told my husband how he was disappointed and hurt from it all but couldn't see any wrong doing on his end. I don't get that at all!!!!!!
Yes, people are mysterious sometimes. You may never understand his perspective.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
So the worst mistake of my life is not communicating clearly....
Okay, now you're indulging in a bit of self-pity and melodrama. This is not the worst mistake of your life. The worst mistake of someone's life would be doing something like running over a kid and their grandma with the car on Christmas Day. This is a relationship ending - yes, painful, but don't blow it out of proportion. Come on now, you really need to get out of your head, stop blaming yourself and being overly self-critical (they made some bonehead moves, too), get grounded in your body, and get back down to earth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I appreciate everyone's advice just wish I could fix all this! I am deeply hurt and after being married so long it confuses me so much when someone says they love u and care but just end a relationship over poor communication.
Well, loving someone is simply not enough for a relationship to work. And many people have a low tolerance level for how much "work" a relationship needs. If the scales start tipping too much from being fun and lighthearted into being heavy, complicated, or a drain on their energy, they bail. It isn't necessarily that you did anything wrong. But you did forget yourself, and so now this is a learning experience which should point you in the right direction as to what inner work you need to focus on in order to build self-esteem and be more assertive and grounded in your relationships.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polywife12 View Post
I don't even know how I could fix this aside for leaving my ex...... even though I've mentioned that to him and he just dont want to hear it! Ugh........
What is there to fix? BF2 is gone. Leave it alone. Move on. Focus on YOU.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-27-2013 at 07:09 PM.
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