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Old 06-27-2013, 03:38 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,608
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I am sorry you hurt.

Initial feedback:
  • Breathe.
  • Do not beg.
  • Take the time out. You don't have to decide anything right this minute when you are in high emotion.

Feedback for when you are calmer:

Could note these places where you could improve your way of going.

You seemed to hope for harmonious concurrent relationships with DH, BF1 and BF2. But your behavior --
  • Not talking things out with BF2 before jumping in with BF1 again
  • Not negotiating with BF1 that one of your boundaries before starting with him again is being free to tell your other partners about him being back in the picture.

Does not appear to support or promote concurrent harmonious relationships with these people.

You cannot control what other people do in their conduct but if your goal or hope was harmonious concurrent relationships, you could align your OWN behavior to point toward the goal/hope.

You steer your car right? To help get to where you hope to get to? You don't just press the gas pedal and vrrrooom off right?

Could examine your own intrapersonal and interpersonal skills:
  • I don't know what kind of agreements were in place in the open relationship with BF2 but "not telling him about BF1 because we're open" seems like lies of omission or skirting very close to it.
  • I don't know if you just wanted to be with both and were afraid BF2 would say "Your ex is on the "too messy to deal with" people list for me. If you want to be with him, great. But for me that means we'd have to end."
  • You didn't seem to negotiate with BF1 about "I want to be free to tell my partners about us" to define THAT relationship's boundaries. I do not know if you were using BF1's want to "keep it down low" as justification for skipping out on asserting your own things like "I want to be free to tell my other partner's about us if we get together" to free you from having to sort it out with BF2 and "own" the emotional responsibility of that.
  • I don't know if you used the "BF2 and I are in an open relationship, he sees other people, why can't I?" as justification for leaving data out/not sorting it out beforehand well before jumping in.
  • I don't know if you are using his "I don't want to talk about your ex" as self justification to excuse yourself to you for not pressing the point you really didn't want to have or pursue in the first place.

I wonder if you able to "own" your stuff or do you look for ways to shift emotional responsibility off on other people?

I cannot tell. It sounds emotionally messy and weird. I am confused as to what your motivations may have been at the time.

I don't mean any of that in a rude way. I just mean that if you ARE in the habit of not owning your own stuff and not taking emotional responsibility? And are finding it isn't serving you well in your relationships? Perhaps you could examine this area then before starting a new relationship? Could pick a different way of going and see if that serves you better?

Esp if you hope your next new relationship is with BF2 in an attempt to reconcile.

I don't see how you could improve your emotional management and your way of going without taking a hard look at those areas if they apply here:
  • taking emotional responsibility
  • becoming more assertive
  • becoming ok hearing "No" and finding out where limits lie even if that means you don't get what you want/hope for.

To me it seems to me that some skills could be strengthened in there somewhere. The cast of players might change but your current way of going could still lead you to new emotionally messy places that are not fun for you if you leave it all unaddressed. YKWIM?

Sort yourself out first. Then sort out your relationships.

But if you want to get back together with BF2, could ask DIRECTLY one time when you both have cooled off. But do NOT BEG and ACCEPT his answer -- even a "no" answer.

It will be unfortunate that this is price you had to pay, but it is what it is. Could learn from it moving forward.

Hang in there.
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-27-2013 at 03:59 PM.
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