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Old 06-27-2013, 03:02 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 49
Default I feel so guilty

So I have been dating this guy for 3 months. When we met, he was in an open relationship with a long distance gf of 9 months. I stayed out of their relationship, but from what I did see and hear it seemed as though they were very different people and things were a bit rocky because of the distance.

However, he did seem to really be in love with her and their 1 year anniversary was coming up. I wanted to help make it a great weekend (he isn't great at romantic stuff) so I gave him a bunch of suggestions on what he could do with her. He was pleased with the idea, but never really started planning anything specific that I know of.

Since we have met, I have introduced him to both kink and poly. We have had long conversations on our points of view on love, sex and marriage. We are on the same page on almost all of it. He didn't realize poly could ever seriously be an option. He had just never met a woman that could deal with it (she tolerated it because of distance I think) even though he knew it was how he felt.

So a week ago I left the country. We found some time to skype every day and one night, I even took my computer to a restaurant and we had a skype dinner date. During that time, he booked us a scuba trip and made reservations for the 3rd week of July. I thought it was really sweet he missed me and went through all the trouble. When I got home, I remembered that was the weekend he was supposed to leave for their 1 year anniversary. I asked him what he was planning to do, and he told me he was going to break up with his gf. He said its been going downhill a long time and he would rather spend the weekend with me. He told me he dreaded talking to her because there was never any optimism and only complaining.

A few nights ago, he left my home and headed to his. I was about 15 minutes behind him and arrived at his apt. to him on the telephone. He was breaking up with her. He didn't want to talk about it. Before bed, he told me he always had a little guilt calling me his gf when he had another knowing she was simply tolerating an open relationship. He said he was happy to know that he didn't ever have to feel that again (I think he meant since he figured out he was poly).

So, he fell asleep and I got up. I had to go for a walk. I felt like him getting to know me hurt this girl. I feel like a real shit. I started to leave and he woke up. He knew I was upset, but I didn't want to talk about it. The talk wasn't going to change anything that night and he had plenty going on already. I told him I would be back and left. I walked for a long time, feeling like the other woman, like an interloper. As soon as I came back in he woke up and wanted to cuddle. I wasn't ready for sleep, but went to bed anyway because he obviously needed that support.

I know logically, this has little to do with me. This has to do with a long-distance relationship going downhill slowly before we ever got together.

I can't stand cheating or lying. I can't do either in my relationships nor will I tolerate it done to me. It was an open relationship, but I feel like the "other woman". I feel awful. If that girl came here and wanted to kick my ass, I probably wouldn't fight her. I know she is hurting because of things that he learned from me.

I know he needed to understand these things about himself. I understand the logic of all of it. I understand he is a big boy and I didn't get involved in their relationship. They made their choices. Yet, I don't know how to make me okay with myself....
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LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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