I don't read anything in this situation as exceptionally poly in nature...that is, if something would smell bad in a monogamous relationship, it's still smells bad in poly!
So, in any other relationships would you:
- moving in with someone after only a month?
- Tolerate a partner who actions are contrary to their promises? (They claim co-primary, but they treat you not even like a secondary, more like a playtoy)
- Put up with being a dirty-little-secret to the partner's family & friends?
- Excuse alcohol induced arguments and forgive it based on the blackout memory gap?
These are nothing to do with poly, these are just huge glaring red flags of an abusive relationship, period, end, stop, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Now, a new couple that has just opened a relationship is liable to have some growing pains, and there is liable to be some issues while they get their shit together. My ex has been experiencing this first hand recently, and to some extent it can be a phase that can transition through, but it can take a long time, and it doesn't need to be you putting up with crap in the meantime.
Regardless of if you stay (as others have indicated, this would be a bad bad idea from the details you provided), or go (much better plan)
, you'd be well advised to stick up for yourself with them, or any other couple and make sure you assert your own needs. If you need one-on-one communication, then you need to tell them that, and then hold them to it. All their little rules and regulations are all fine and dandy for them, but assert what you need for you! And they can either go with it, or not...and the relationship with it.
That's why it's a negotiation. Figure out what your hard limits are, and be willing to walk if they can't be agreed on or respected.
At any rate, if they figure this out at all, it'll probably be after a couple "thirds" tell them to go pound sand, so don't hang onto this because of some misplaced guilt or place the blame on yourself. Heed the your own instincts and the red-flags and get out while the getting is good. Let them learn the lesson about taking responsibility for their actions the hard way if needs be!
The "I'll promise not to do it again" nonsense is a smokescreen, and as long as there's no real or final consequence to the behavior like you walking out the door n'er to return, it'll continue to happen.
Go find yourself a partner or couple that is interested in at least trying to get their shit together. Your current ones haven't done their research, and you're going to end up paying the price.