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Old 06-26-2013, 12:34 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
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It sounds pretty bad, but we are only getting fragments of the story, I am going to assume that you are not desperate and these people are not as bad as they sound. So hopefully you are not just asking because you are trying to weigh out the scarcity with how much you can tolerate, so unless it's really as bad as it sounds:

1) Alcohol problems I personally won't tolerate, if he can't remember his actions that is dangerous

2) Let's say that's black outs are not the norm, sometimes people who are half way intelligent do extremely stupid things like get up and leave the room because he wants to talk to the two people in the room he just intentionally left. What does he say when you inform him that he is going to have to think of a better way to direct his life than steering in the opposite direction he wants to go?

It seems like after all the drunkin bullshit he needs to place some of the responsibility on you. WTF? He has trouble with alcohol, gets drunk, starts a fight that you cannot do anything to resolve the dispute and when he sobers up part of resolution is you have promise to not fight too?

I don't know how long I would put up with someone that every time they got drunk they would start a fight, or worse an argument that cannot be resolved.

Even if you were completely out to the whole world, equal partner is not going to happen after a three of months with a couple of 27 years of marriage. Maybe they want you to be an become an equal, but not being realistic about it would be hard not to take as manipulation.

In regards to dating only one of them, I don't share the same seemingly popular view of veaux poly rules he and his committee has devised for couples and singles. You shouldn't have to "date" both of them, but I think it is reasonable that you do have to be able to get along with his spouse well enough where you could all hang out together. You don't have to be buddy buddy or ever make plans and hang out together without him there, but it shouldn't be awkward to the point where you cannot handle all three be around each other.

I am not saying I have more experience or even a wealth of experience in couples and singles, but I feel if a person really is OK with polyamory and they will be able to have poly relationships without having frequent events like you've described here, then you should be able to be around his spouse and she should not have a problem sometimes being around you. Unless every hour of your life is considered "free time" most peoples lives do not have the time to devote to two separate healthy intimate relationships that have no overlap. It's definitely a poly dynamic, but one that may best be described functional denial, in that if you have to pretend that the other partners don't exist, I think it's asking for trouble. Everyone has to fake it til they make it a little bit, but if all you are doing is putting on tennis shoes, tennis shorts, tennis hat, and tennis socks I'd say maybe, but it you have to carry around a tennis racket in a case with a strap I would say that's too much, either be on your way to play a game of tennis or pick a different sport, but if you write a how to book on tennis, you might get laughed off the tennis courts.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-26-2013 at 01:11 PM.