View Single Post
Old 06-26-2013, 02:16 AM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: The Great Northwet
Posts: 36
Default more than you know

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
One good solid relationship. Yes. That is what I am attempting. I am attempting that with Mono right now. It might be the most foolish thing I have ever done but I have to give it its due course and see where it takes us. I have to at least ask for that. If that doesn't work, if he really isn't interested, then I will attempt that with someone else. If someone else will have me in the state I am in. Right now, I know that in the midst of my pushing people away and pulling them closer at the same time, I am loved. Its the most vulnerable position to be in when I know that I am not making anyone's life easier in my distress and lack of clarity.

I am weary that this journey will not be what I thought it would be though and if that is the case then I will remain poly and date many people again. This time with a different attitude. One that reflects that I am looking for what I have with Mono. I can't deny that its likely that there will be few that match up, if any. Perhaps I will never find it at all. I could very well end up alone and face the biggest fear of my life. Maybe that is my destiny and has been all along. To be alone. Other women do it, so can I.
Would imagine, RP, that you're similar to me that in talking out loud or writing, in the case of your blog, helps you to think things though and get things in perspective. It's great that you created this blog to help you work things out and store previous thoughts & challenges. Really doesn't matter if anyone else gets it or is upset by it; Its your thoughts and blog

Wish you the best of having that one solid relationship with Mono, maybe even if he's still practicing poly? He's on his journey as we are and no one really knows where it'll all lead.

My situation isn't yet ideal, sometimes very day to day and my new 'life' has made me slow down and REALLY enjoy the good & special moments (or hours if we're lucky).

I also get the not wanting to be alone thing. When telling my ex-BFF (stupid hypocritical bitch ditching me supposedly in judgment but actually out of jealousy--ooo sorry, I digress) she said she was afraid I'd lose both men in my life and for the first time EVER I could envision being alone and being comfortable with it. I don't want to be, I enjoy coming home and talking about the day. But when she said that, I had this strong feeling that I'll never be really alone. I have my kids, two more now (so six total) from the new relationship, I have my extended family. Fewer friends currently but may have more later..... And I like feeling sexy; before I was married it seemed like guys liked that too, so I'm optimistic about finding someone else if/when wanted.

Turns out the silence is OK! Music, and supermoons and sunrises, and the beautiful mountains, the lakes and the oceans... those big pictures that remind us we're small and special. You'll find beauty and it will help fill you.

You care RP, its probably why people have always been drawn to you. Be strong and be kind to yourself, you're more amazing than you currently believe. You haven't done anything so horrible to not make you deserving of every happiness, kindness and enjoyment this life has to offer you.

My two cents anyway. I've lost some wonderful people who were waaaay too young to leave this world. It's made me bolder, and a little more selfish. I don't want to hurt anyone getting or experiencing more things in this life however I'm also (mostly) done with feeling guilty for pursuing what I want as long as I'm living up to my obligations and responsibilities.

Wishing you more of those lovely peaceful moments when you feel life is good, when there's some harmony & balance. Course they're all fleeting, this is the 21st century after all; everything today is fleeting!
Reply With Quote