Originally Posted by katja24
So I feel stuck and primarily responsible in finding a solution that feels comfortable for us...How have other people dealt with negotiating privacy and disclosure boundaries with multiple partners?
Do you get the impression that you know your partners? Do you understand what types of information they want to keep "private" and why? Are you willing to abide by their request for privacy?
If you answered "yes" to all of these then I don't see what the problem is. If you get what they want and you take no issue with it then you should follow through on what you know to be the agreement (even if implicit).
If you answered "no" to any of these then you have something to work out. It seems to me that you have answered "well, I guess, but not really" to the last of these questions. That is, you get what J wants you to keep private but you think that request sucks and don't care to (and haven't) respect.
If you don't want to keep information secret... one of your partners DOES want to keep information secret... that means you have a serious fundamental difference in relating. This is not a small matter; this is a major difference in the philosophy of how humans relate constructively. Your partner will likely need to stop sharing anything with you that they do not want shared with other people or you will need to curb how you relate to your other partners and sabotage your own intimacy with them.