Originally Posted by crisplove
FoL, you are very empathic towards Si and your husband.
Are you going to be able to carry on two lives? What is the toll of this arrangement on you?
I get that you couldn't manage both relationships in the past, but you live and you learn.
What if Si were out of the picture? Could you be someone who lived a double life?
I feel empathy for both sides, and it makes it impossible to try and be neutral.
I have no idea if I am going to be able to do that. I guess that is why the question of, "Is it worth it," something I ask myself every day? Realistically, I cannot even explain why I want another relationship. My mum asked me the same thing, and I just stared at her. She was like, "What are you seeking, [insert given name here]?" The answer is nothing. My husband is meeting all of my needs. Three and half months ago, I could say that I was not getting the emotional support, but I also have to remember that my actions were directly responsible for him distancing himself from me. I believe the toll will be one that no one expected. I think it has the propensity to drain me and wear me out.
It was not only poor management, but it was the loss of balance and selfishness that really did us in. This past weekend a couple of those old habits came out. The new me knew it felt wrong, but the old me thought it was comfortable and familiar, which made it easy. I acknowledged that it felt wrong, and that I should not have done that. That is massive improvement for me. Before I would have recognised it and shrugged it off.
With or without her around, living a double life would not be easy for me. I would have to train myself to do it, and it would have to be honed like an art. To his family, our new colleagues, and anyone we encounter after the move, I will appear to be 1/2 of a traditional marriage and mother of two. Publicly at least. To those who know us best, my family, and everyone else who has known us over the past several years, I would once again be the poly wife with a mono husband, two children, and a girlfriend. It is already confusing and headache inducing. I would have to be mindful of how I act and what I say while out with her. One slip-up could lead to problems. Imagine if one of our respective colleagues saw me out on a date with her, and it got back to him. Suddenly, I could be painted as the cheating wife. The entire thing would be tedious, like I was cheating, and she was dirty little secret.
I am not seeing the appealing side. Maybe I am missing it. I get to be "myself" and have my relationship again. Only, it will be completely hidden because my spouse has made it clear that being out is not even an option, and he has a list of stipulations and limits on top of that. I am missing the good and happy part of this.