Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 06-25-2013, 04:55 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

I just read a thread about DADT.

My DH wants a modified version of DADT. Only it is not DADT. It is more, "Do not tell me, if it does not involve me." Basically, my relationship will be my business and keep it away from him. His words. Not mine. He has explicitly stated that he will have zero interest in the relationship, and he does not want the two paths to cross. He drew out a picture in counselling. You know how a Venn Diagram crosses in the middle? This will not be a Venn Diagram. Our marriage, family, and life together had one circle, and my future relationship with her, poly, and anything pertaining to that side of my life were in the other circle. I asked him if he would feel left out of part of my life? His response, "Hard to feel left out of something that means nothing to you." Wow. He seriously wants no part of a poly marriage, and he will do whatever it takes to make sure he has no contact with it. The only times my two "circles" will cross is during that once a week meeting. Other than that, I will simultaneously be living two different lives.

He does not want to be out after we move, so measures will have to be taken to insure that the "secret" stays in the bottle. As if that will really be a problem with me seeing her for one overnight a week and maybe lunch dates during the week. He wants to continue implementing the measures we have already taken to insure that our children are seeing enough of us. Breakfast and dinner as a family every day. There is no excuse now because the amount of call we will be on will be limited now. That is the only exception. He still expects the minimum of two hours of one-one-one QT every day. He told me in counselling, "You can live your life the way you want, but you are not dragging me down a path that I refuse to walk down. Being out is my hard limit, and I am not doing it again." Not being out means that I will be able to continue to build a relationship with my MIL and not have to worry about Matt sacrificing his relationship with her to defend me, but it also means that Si will still not be able to be around them for family related events, holidays, or anything else. She has been snubbed by them many times over, but I know it still bothers her to this day. It is one hell of a fašade; pretending to be mono to keep the peace and secretly living another life. This sounds like something that will cause pain and heartbreak.

I am confident in our therapist's abilities, but I doubt that she will ever make Matt be tolerant or accepting of poly again. He has made it clear that my two lives must never intersect, and she must not be a co-primary because he feels like I lack the ability to balance two relationships with everything else on my plate. He is right. My schedule is not opening up. After the move, I may have more free time, but it will not be idle time. After the move, the things I was doing here will be replaced by new hobbies and responsibilities there. I am not going to say these sessions will be a waste, but if any of the goals are to get Matt "on board" with the idea of poly, we can discontinue them now. He admitted that he does not trust Si. He believes she may be sorry for what happened, but he said that she is going to have to start from the dirt and build her way up to earn his trust back. Until she does, there will be no contact with our children, and he intends on keeping her at a safe distance from him, too. He said that meeting once a week in a therapist's office is more than enough for now. Once they start attending the weekly sessions, things may change again. I am not expecting some magical breakthrough. I have no idea what to expect.

It has been almost four months since the fallout. I am just taking it day by day.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-25-2013 at 05:01 PM.
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