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Old 06-25-2013, 02:12 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
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Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
We talked about scheduling, and I thought we had things under control, but she just kept pushing boundaries. The main reason for the scheduling is that we have an 8yr old daughter and I felt that she wasn't getting enough family time.
Your biggest concern over how much time she spends with this guy is how much time she's spending with your daughter? Do you feel like this is entirely honest?

I ask, because it sounds like total bullshit to me, and that you are trying to find an excuse for your attempt to control her actions.

Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
I have been struggling with this in a big way for the last week, trying very hard to get her to consider working on our marriage...but she has been adamant that this is what she needs. I tried to get her to consider that she was being swept up in NRE and this isn't the right choice...but she is sure that she is doing what is right for her.
You don't know what the right choice is for her, or anyone who isn't you. From your perspective she may be making a mistake and you are certainly entitled to have an opinion, but it doesn't change the reality that she is the master of her own destiny (as you are yours).

Your job at this stage of the relationship is the same as it should have been every step of the way:

1. Take authority and responsibility for your feelings and actions
2. Know that *everyone* has sole authority over their own feelings and actions

That is the cold reality of it. You don't have any say over how much time your partner spends doing what, you have no say over how "deep" they get into someone else, you have exactly no say over anything about how they live their life. All you get to do is decide how to live yours.

Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
I feel very left behind and replaced, and quite frankly...rather depressed about the whole thing. I am finally accepting that this is happening, and now I am learning how to deal with it.
Dude, you just got freaking dumped and you're feeling "rather" depressed? I know you are trying to be mature about all of this but my heart would be shattered into a thousand little shards if IV told me to screw. I'd do my best to recover gracefully and would hopefully pick myself up sooner rather than later, but that shit hurts!

That kind of loss sucks and I've never found anything to really fix it. Maintaining focus on reality and not over emotionalizing what is going on is certainly helpful - but that's easier said than done.

Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
My worst concern was that she might be spending more and more time with him and want me to become a secondary. .. and I didn't know if I would be OK with that.
For the sake of your future relationships I would take a look at this if I were you. Being concerned about rank will only work in hierarchical relationship setups (primary/secondary). While this arrangement seems to be enough for some people I recommend avoiding this kind of power struggle with your loved ones.

You want rank, join the army; you want loving relationships, respect each others independence and be gracious for what you get.

Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
We got into poly as a way to round out our marriage. Now that this is coming to an end, it makes me question if poly is right for me... but with my wife no longer in the picture, is poly still right for me?.
Reality check:

1. Breakups happen, that is just a fact of life. Breakups happen in monogamous relationships just like polyamorous ones (certainly in hierarchical poly setups).
2. Polyamory is not right for your ex
3. You are highly emotional at the moment; coming to major worldview decisions might be better left for a time when you have your rational mind about you. Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other for now

Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
I am very broken up over what has happened to my family. I am also very fortunate to have such a kind an understanding GF that has been helping me through these tough times. I just am not sure where to go from here...
Yes you are sir. I love me some polyamory...
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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