Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 06-25-2013, 09:26 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Good morning.

It has been an interesting couple of days. We returned home from Northumberland on Sunday. It was a pretty standard evening in the S-LA household. We had Sunday dinner with my parents at the Waterside Inn. We returned home after to prepare for our last week of work. Sunday was just a very calm day.

Yesterday was my would have been anniversary with Si. To mark the day, we had lunch together. It was a nice lunch. We had the chance to talk. After lunch, I went back to work. We went to Heathrow to see Si off. She left for Australia last night, and I think it delighted my DH. A whole week without having to see her, talk to her, be around her, or anything else? He was all too happy when he saw the flight take off.

On the drive back, he expressed discontentment over the weekend and the whole PDA situation. I knew it was coming. Matt likes to think about things before just blurting them out. Basically, he felt that I was dismissive of his feelings and needs, and he does not care for the way I act when she is around. As he put it, "Bloody bending over backwards to be accommodating for her and forgetting that I, too, have feelings and needs of my own. Say what you want, but you pushed me to the side in favour of her again. More so, someone that you are not even with right now." He thinks that I am reverting back to my old ways of putting her first. It stirred up some negative feelings in him. We just kind of dropped it because he did not want to talk about it right then. He was pissed off when we went to bed.

Our therapy session started at 7:15. Despite it being via video conference, she picked up on the tension immediately. She referred to me as being a chameleon and changing to match the environment. Matt never changes. He is who he is. She said I was so caught up in how she was feeling, her comfort, and what she needed, that I ignored Matt. On the flipside, his feelings were more of an afterthought for me. His comfort was never considered. In essence, he was told to limit how much he touched me--his wife--for someone who is just a friend. Even I cannot make any right out of that. I was very dismissive, and I apologised for that. I know that he is affectionate, so asking him to stop for someone who is an obvious trigger and still a sore spot? I was asking for trouble. I felt the need to change how we act because of her feelings. I never stopped to ask him. I just told him. Was it considerate to her? Yes. Was it considerate to him? No. Was there a compromise that could have been made? No PDA if she is in the room or within view? So we have to secretly be affectionate towards one another to avoid offending her and making her uncomfortable? Maybe that is not quite as bad as it seems, but it sounds awful. I thought about what he needed after the damage had already been done. For future reference, if it feels wrong, it is wrong. It did feel wrong, and it was wrong. This is an old habit, and I have to break it. Balance needs to be restored. She gave us a few tips for handling that next time. Little does she know, there will not be a next time.

She addressed his arsenal of stipulations for being tolerant of me having another relationship. They are defence mechanisms to insure that what happened from 2008 to March 2013 will never happen again. Now that I am looking at that list, it makes all the sense in the world. In theory, there is nothing wrong with his list. Everyone is entitled to have boundaries. She asked him to come up with consequences and to also rate the things on a scale, with the highest number being something that is divorce worthy, if the boundary is broken. It will be interesting to hear which items are divorce worthy.

I am happy that the two sessions are separate. We spent the entire time talking about poly this morning. We have our regular marriage counselling session later on in the week. DH and I have not really talked. We had breakfast with our children, and then, he left. I think he is still in deep thought about something. When he is ready, he will come and talk to me. My ex is a trigger for him, so I am determined to keep them apart. The only time they need to be around each other is for counselling. Other than that, even social events are off-limits now.

Our highest highs are when there is no mention of her or poly. Our lowest lows are when she is around and he has to hear or talk about poly. The happiest he has been was the week we spent in Australia. There was a no poly discussion ban. He was 16k away from my ex. It was the perfect week for him.

I have to get started at work, but I hope the day gets better.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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Last edited by FullofLove1052; 06-25-2013 at 03:34 PM.
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