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Old 06-24-2013, 02:03 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
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Originally Posted by MyHeartOverflows View Post
Because of the direction in which things were moving, I talked to my husband (who has always known about J) about the situation, and to my surprise he gave his blessing for me to pursue a relationship with her if that is what I felt moved to do.
First off, good for you. You may not realize it from where you are standing but this rarely happens. The person with romantic interest usually waits until something has happened (sex or whatever the "too far" marker is for that couple) and lives with guilt about it... then they tell their partner and their partner freaks out... then there is large scale drama on all ends with no one getting what they want.

But you chose to talk with your partner once you were pretty sure there was a reason to. He sounds like he's being cool headed about it and isn't going to try and get in your way.

You should recognize that, this is not the norm.

Originally Posted by MyHeartOverflows View Post
I don't understand it, mainly because I have been so open and forthright with my own husband.
Yah, people don't do that. You are an odd ball for having this kind of healthy interplay with your partner. While I get that you are impatient and disappointed that she doesn't seem to be in as healthy a relationship as you are... that's really your problem. Unfortunately this is one of those "the chain is only as strong as its weakest link" kind of scenarios.

Originally Posted by MyHeartOverflows View Post
But it's not my place to be honest with him! It's hers! I feel like I'm stuck.
Has she told you that she wants you to keep it secret from him? If this is a concern for you it will be in your best interest to let her know that you don't want to be put in this situation. If you allow yourself to be ushered into a situation where you need to lie for other people that will have been your doing.

I am against the idea of being "honest" for other people. It's not my business to make sure the world tells the truth at all times. However, if I see that I am heading down a road of needing to choose between lying or "outing" someone I'm going to hit the breaks as best I can before I'm on the hot seat needing to make that call.

Friends don't put friends in that kind of situation.

Originally Posted by MyHeartOverflows View Post
Am I just setting myself up to be hurt?
Maybe. There are still some unknowns out there, right? If I understand correctly you don't know if they have an EXPLICIT don't-ask-don't-tell relationship (there is a difference between DADT and being a liar). You don't know for sure if he is aware of your past with her. You don't know what her plans are for rectifying this situation.

You need to stop guessing. If you don't know the exact answer to a question then get that answer. If you are not satisfied with the answers you get then you need to take responsibility for how you respond.

I know your heart overflow-eth, but sooner or later you're going to need to turn off the faucet of your feelings and flip on the switch to your brain. Make decisions based on what you know to be true, not what you "feel".
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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