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Old 06-24-2013, 06:42 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,640

Originally Posted by AlbertaBea View Post
She does not have any control over me. She doesn't take disappointment well and I don't walk on eggshells around her. I won't accommodate her and that's the source of our drama.
Tommy and I broke up two months ago because Jordan was having a lot of trouble being okay with our relationship.
I understood this to mean that she vetoed or somehow otherwise influenced him to break up with you.

But then it says

that's why I broke up with her husband.
which i did not notice before because it's buried way at the bottom of that post.

I already made up my mind to go. I want to manage the situation gracefully. I have some anxiety about potential drama and with good reason in this case.

I appreciate you sharing your experience, but I have to say I can see why you may be #anxiousaboutgettinglectured
I am not "anxious" about getting lectured. I am WEARY of being lectured. Or rather, I am weary of the lecturing about manners and aesthetics. You are "anxious", you say so at least twice. I am chilling.

I felt defensive responding to you.
You are allowed to feel that way. One of the things that is discussed often on this forum is how we are all responsible for our feelings, no one can "make" someone feel a certain way (in some extreme cases such as domestic abuse I guess it's possible, but there are other factors at play and those situations don't go from zero to 200 in one day), and we can't control what others feel. So I can't and won't try to say something that will make you "feel better" now. Let's review:

First, Dagferi writes:

Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Sounds like high school drama to me.

Who the frick cares what she wants. Stop letting others have control over your life.
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I was just about to say the same thing. (this might be interpreted as "dogpiling" or "ganging up" on the "newbie" but all it is is two or more people who agree. #preempt #tiredofbeinglecturedforthesakeofwank)
Originally Posted by OP
That first paragraph about ganging up on the newbie framed your message as a condescending criticism.
No, I'm afraid it did not. That was your sensibilities and thought processes that "framed" my post as "condescending criticism". In other threads, there have been times when people have responded to posts by saying "Me too" or "This" or in some similar way, simply agreeing with what has already been said. Then someone will decide that there is some organized conspiracy to flush the OP or whoever off the face of the internet. Nothing could be further from the truth. There isn't ANYTHING in that first "disclaimer" part of that post that fits the definition of "condescending" OR "criticism". If anything, it fits the definition of "paranoid". As I indicated, I do feel WEARY of this; "paranoid" is for the helicopters and drones that are spying on me.

It's like when a person says, "No offense, but...[you're fat.], [you have no ears.], [etc.]."
I fail to see how "it" is "like" pointing out that you are fat and have no ears. How is a statement that basically says "I don't want to be accused of ganging up on the OP just because I agree with the previous post" get read as, "No offense, but you're [whatever]." I agree about the "No offense", pretty much what I was saying was that if any offense is taken, it was not intended. Yes, it just occurred to me that I could have say "If I offend you, it's not my intention", but wouldn't you have complained about that, too? I mean, you JUST said that "It's like when a person says "no offense..."", so that's not okay with you either? I can't say anything that pre-empts "perceived hostility", can I?

The rest of my post is pretty dry and on-topic, except perhaps for the fact that I made some mistakes understanding some specific details. You corrected me, i stand corrected, let's move past it.

I'm not looking for a flame war, I just want you to know how your tone came off to me so you can address the #tiredofbeinglectured issue you wrote about.
I am going to address that issue I wrote about right now:

What I actually wrote was #tiredofbeinglecturedforthesakeofwank. "Wank" is my shorthand for when people would rather argue about the aesthetic nuances of a person's post rather than content or merit. See, your "tone" right there came across to ME just now as condescending and critical:

"I'm not looking for a flame war" = no offense, but...

"I just want you to know how your tone came off to me so you can address the #tiredofbeinglectured issue you wrote about" = you're fat and you have no ears

(The other one that sees a lot of action is "I'm sorry you're offended/upset/disturbed/etc." Use the word "Apologize" instead: "I apologize for the inconvenience" sounds better than "I'm sorry you're inconvenienced". If a person needs to resort to that, maybe better off just not saying anything.)

Last but not least - why do you fixate on MY post, which contains a pre-emptive disclaimer, but you say nothing of the sort about Dagferi's post, which has NO "hostility disclaimer" and refers to your thing as "high school drama" and says "who the frick" and "stop letting her have control over you". I don't think there is a whole lot of difference between Dagferi's "tone" and mine. I just expanded on her thoughts with some anecdotal details of my own. My post does not merit reprimand.

In conclusion, i have here yet another example of why I don't like being around people. It's exhausting and nothing is ever good enough for them. Really, the only reason I bothered to write this whole response was as an exercise in self-awareness. I expect that those who know this know damn well, and those who don't know cannot tell. In other words, if you already get what i mean, i don't need to explain; if you don't get it already, nothing I can say will make you get it. This is why I gravitate toward people who communicate in a similar fashion. I have no expectation that everyone will appreciate the way every other person communicates. And I don't project "hostility" onto other people's posts just because they come across assertively.

This has used up all my internet juice for the evening, and then some, but overall I am pleased with it, even if no one else is.
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