Originally Posted by Delphinius
Mostly wanted you to know how much you're writing/talking things out through your turmoil and successes has been appreciated and that with many others your have our best thoughts and wishes for health and happiness.
LR's response in post #1766 in describing herself being like Mono: WOW!! (Truly thank you LR , it was really helpful to read as it turns out I've been feeling very much the same way and trying to come to terms with all that!!) It must be hard to find Mono may be only Mono to himself:/ Perhaps he fell in love with you and found you so attractive initially because you were never going to be full time. Not saying he's a bad guy; seems like he was being honest to himself even if not consciously so it makes sense that you didn't realize that. Plus hot sex & connection is hot, right?
There have been times I've been very perplexed in your reactions (ala NYCindie) in reading the frustrations of your feelings with Mono no longer being Mono but now with the latest postings it's more clear why and how you felt as you did in reaction to Mono and others.
Yes, Four years of NRE is amazing and disappointing to move past. (I wonder if so long lasting because it wasn't a monogamous relationship?) And now that that changed, its painful and hard and sucks!
So I would like to commend you for kind of going back to basics. Basics being that to be a good partner "worthy" of another partner we first have to love our self. Be full enough of our own self love and self confidence in order to be a good, loving supportive partner to someone else.
After reading the last few pages of your blog there seems to be a good reason why monogamy may be so attractive for foreseeable future.
Start with ONE GOOD, solid, strong relationship. If/when that one relationship is on very solid ground then a couple can perhaps open up? Maybe that's the starting point you're looking for?
Perhaps not... Know I haven't posted much but have been following and am very appreciative and supportive even if I don't always get it/relate.
Through it all wish you the best, health & happiness.
Thanks for this. Thanks to anyone who loves and cares for me enough to voice their opinions and thoughts about my life. Even if I don't always respond, I do read and take everything in. It's an honour to be written to here. I don't feel worthy, but its appreciated and I am humbled by the honour of support, and words of wisdom. I know sometimes I am confusing and inconsistent, but its all me figuring it out and attempting not to lose what little left I have of the life I built around myself. Its confusing, frustrating and sometimes pisses people off that I can't just snap my brain into poly glee and be okay with everything going on around me... that I can't seem to pull myself together enough to trust others, support others, be at the right place at the right time, know all that goes on even if I am not being told stuff, and do the right thing by everyone concerned. A really good and long conversation last night shined some light on all that and for that I am grateful for the opinion and apologetic that I have hurt others in my attempts to do what I need to for my own life.
Yes, Delphinius, Mono has said over and over again he fell in love with me partly because I wasn't available full time. I didn't realize it, fully. I thought perhaps after years it would change and he would eventually want to be with me and I with him. It hasn't changed, and in fact, he has become more sure that he does not want me as a full time partner and he doesn't want to be available to me in that way.
I'm glad that I have become more clear as I write. Perhaps its because the more time goes on the more I figure little bits out for myself. The more solid I become in my own life just for me and about me and the more the clouds in my head lift and light shines through. I don't think I am there yet, but I have progressed.
I don't know if my NRE with Mono lasted so long because of other relationships I had. I suspect that it did in that I was reminded over and over again how important it is to me that I had one that was my rock and place to come home to. Mono has been my steadfast true heart home in all of this. I love and loved many others and they were also my heart home, including PN but not in the same way. I tried to manuvouer myself into a position within my tribe that made me more comfortable and reflected where I am at more and in doing so at a moment when other things became evident (I thought that it was a good time to make changes amongst change already occuring, really I didn't think I could do it any other way) I created huge shifts to the point where our tribe seems to be something entirely different. Am I even part of it at all? I don't know at this point, but I stick around anyway. Or maybe I just see it as that? I am not sure yet.
One good solid relationship. Yes. That is what I am attempting. I am attempting that with Mono right now. It might be the most foolish thing I have ever done but I have to give it its due course and see where it takes us. I have to at least ask for that. If that doesn't work, if he really isn't interested, then I will attempt that with someone else. If someone else will have me in the state I am in. Right now, I know that in the midst of my pushing people away and pulling them closer at the same time, I am loved. Its the most vulnerable position to be in when I know that I am not making anyone's life easier in my distress and lack of clarity.
I am weary that this journey will not be what I thought it would be though and if that is the case then I will remain poly and date many people again. This time with a different attitude. One that reflects that I am looking for what I have with Mono. I can't deny that its likely that there will be few that match up, if any. Perhaps I will never find it at all. I could very well end up alone and face the biggest fear of my life. Maybe that is my destiny and has been all along. To be alone. Other women do it, so can I.