Well, some thoughts:
1. Try to remove yourself from this situation. You can not handle them together well and you ask for reassurance while she is occupied with him. Generally speaking it is fine to ask to not be completely ignored but I would feel highly disturbed if my husband would have asked for those "breaks" to tend to his feelings while I was having some time with my other partner (if it was agreed to have this time and the problem keeps "popping up" regularly).
And I would feel put under pressure to have to "even the score" and be asked to function at a specific point in time when my husband was feeling like having some compensation time. Yes, you told her that you would like that time, but ordering her to make it up to you feels ... not quite right. (Yes, she consented to it, it was not that great that she behaved like she did as well). Scheduling time might help without already setting a special "program". Maybe just having some time with her could help. Whatever might happen then. If she forgets about this time and you need it, setting a time frame could be a solution.
I do not mean that it is unreasonable to ask for some consideration in regard to your feelings and problems, but I would avoid situations in which those feelings are bound to come up if possible. Your suggestion that they should spend those time away from the house could help quite a bit.
2. She is acting in a way we (husband, boyfriend and I) especially tried to avoid from day one when everything started. If she recognized your needs and problems it was insensitive and even "rude" to keep on going and not sit down and talk about it right away. We regularly checked in with each other to make sure that everyone was doing fine. And even if NRE is strong, I would not excuse her behaviour with it. At least I would not have let that excuse pass in my own case.
3. It definitely is a problem that you are expecting other things than her/him. You should sit down and talk about expectations and limits. If it is a no go or still causing upset for you that they would like to have a more meaningful or emotional connection than some casual sex that concern is valid but extremely limiting for them. And you have to find a compromise or a solution acceptable for all.
Maybe I read some things out of proportion or in the wrong context, but that was my immediate reaction.
I personally would stop the threesomes for now and start with the general relationship configurations. As long as you are not on the same page it will not go smoothly.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.