Okay, so here's a new one:
L is over this weekend visiting J and I. Since my last post we have talked a LOT about their need to be alone together and I agreed that I would take our 2 kids out or most of the day on Saturday, leaving them about 5 hours of alone time. And also she would go on a weekend getaway with him next month.
I asked that while the three of us are together (like in the same space) that she not completely get lost in him for extended periods of time. I get that the NRE thing is super strong + they don't see each other but once a month, but all I'm really asking for is that I don't end up sitting on the couch playing candy crush while they make out for an hour.
Which is EXACTLY what happened on Friday night. Basically, as soon as our kids were in bed, she sat in his lap and they kissed for an hour while I tried to occupy myself around the house doing other things. After a while, I sat down near them and tried to start a conversation, you know as if to say "hey, I'm still here." I don't expect her to jump up and come over to me, but I just felt like a complete tool hanging out while they do their thing. With other partners, she and I ALWAYS pay attention to one another while we are all in the same space. With L, though, it's like she's in a alternate reality.
So I decided that I should just leave for the evening. I grab my keys and then she's like "oh shit, what's going on". I calmly explained that it was plainly obvious I wasn't needed or wanted at this particular time, and that I felt awkward just fiddling around the house. L said he felt awkward too. And J kind of looked torn and was like "i don't know if this is a good idea". I told her that I wasn't going to pretend to not be annoyed at being ignored and she apologized for ignoring me but admitted that she couldn't help herself. I said something like, that is exactly the problem, you can't control it, so I'm going to take myself out of the situation. I left and met up with some friends at a bar...
At this point it's about 12:00 and she texts me and says she "feels bad". I tell her it's fine, go have fun, and text me when you go to bed.
Then at 2:00AM she starts freaking out, asking me where I am, what I'm doing, she's worried, etc. I call, and she says something like "Oh my God, please come home, I feel terrible and I've been worrying about you and..." then she starts giggling...like he's messing around with her or something...that was it.
I mean I would NEVER have let her leave the house if the shoe was on the other foot. Then, if she did leave, I CERTAINLY would have called to make sure she really was comfortable and we were ok. But I mean please, I was gone for 2 hours in the middle of the night, she had no idea where I was, and only after they got done having sex and were ready for bed did she try to reach out. Then, it just seemed contrived, with the giggling and whatnot.
Needless to say when I got home it was a shit-show. I was hammered (yes a TERRIBLE idea). And she wanted to talk about what was wrong (even though I really tried to assure her that having this discussion while I was drunk was a bad idea). I'm not going to go into the details, but in the end she apologized for ignoring me and I apologized for getting trashed.
The next day I took my kids out for the day, but before I left I told her that, given everything that happened the night before, I would really appreciate some affection when I got home. I explained it like this: if I can get some positive re-enforcement that leaving the two of you alone makes you happy and you appreciate me, some kisses, some snuggling, etc. then this will help me get more comfortable and WANT to give you that time. She agrees and I go about my day.
When I get home, she goes and takes a nap, then we take our boys to their baseball game. At the game, I begin to have an anxiety attack (I get those sometimes when I'm stressed). She is concerned, but I go home and take some meds while she takes the boys to the after game party.
When she returns, I feel much better and pull her close to me to snuggle in my lap. L is taking a nap at this point in our bedroom. After J and I snuggle for a minute, she says she wants to go wake L up, and leaves.
They are in the bedroom for 10 minutes or so.
Okay, so now I'm like GOOD GOD, what the hell? I explicitly state my needs and she agrees that they are reasonable and doable. Then, at the first opportunity the blinders go back on and I'm left alone again. I decide just to deal with it and start getting the kids ready for bed. She can tell I'm upset (she's good at reading me) and I'm like, "listen, there is nothing I can say or do to change this. It's my problem and my emotions that are causing this and it is clear that I have to figure our how to change myself." She says she is doing the best she can do, but feels confused and at her wits end. We agree that when the three of us are together, I will squeeze her hand and say "here I am" when I need her to pay a little attention to me. (which makes me feel like an idiot BTW).
We proceed to have a nice dinner and fall asleep.
This morning, it's sexy time...we are all in the bed and start messing around (YES!). The kids get up and need attention, so I tell L and J that I will go take care of them and leave the lovebirds to themselves. J says okay and L says "No, come on back whenever." So I say, "we'll see". And close the door behind me. I get the kids going with breakfast and whatnot, and I'm super horny at this point, so I decide to join the activity already in progress back in the bedroom. They are having sex when I come in and quickly stop (they thought I was one of the kids). I apologize for startling them and say well, let's get back to it. J informs me that L is already done, but she hasn't O'd yet. We take care of her, and then it's my turn. The kids start getting restless, and L (being a really nice guy here) leaves us alone while he tends to the kiddos.
At this point I don't see any condoms around, so I ask J what happened. She tells me that my interruption ruined it for him. She is visibly upset with me at this point. I tell her I'm done being the bad guy and I get up and get dressed.
Now they are going to lunch together (at my behest). I've come to the conclusion that the only thing to do is remove myself from the situation. It's obvious that I'm the only one that enjoys our "threesome" time (in and out of the bedroom) and my presence just causes strife between the two of them. I feel like I've ruined their weekend. I feel like an asshole (even though it's unintentional) and I can't stand being the reason they aren't happy.
I've decided that we should not spend much time together as a group. J and L should either do overnights in hotels or at home without me.
Am I right? Any thoughts? Is this Polyhell?
Thanks in advance.