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Old 06-22-2013, 03:43 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 467

Hi Cleo,

I don't believe that polyamory is about being fair and equal. I believe it's about what is "cCAP' - comfortable, Compatible, Agree, Practical. I think it's completely normal that you would have the feelings you are having - you're trying to adjust to something new. So what if you've got other partners? It doesn't make you a robot.

So, for example, your current experience might have been:

comfortable - you have other partners, you're his main girl, you like it
Compatible - you thought you both wanted that situation
Agree - ?? it sounds like it "just kind of happened that way"
Practical - it fit well with your life, because you have other partners

For him, the reality might have been:

comfortable - probably lonely at times
Compatible - he may have thought it was a given that he could get a primary
Agree - ?? grey area
Practical - he was probably left with a lot of empty spaces


Your new situation.

Of course it isn't fair to say "you can't have a primary!" But, you're not saying that. You want him to be happy. But you also want to be able to deal with your feelings on the matter. And you're entitled to have them.

So, the first point of call would be a talk. Not just a talk about how you're feeling, how he's feeling, etc... but a new arrangement, a new agreement. You don't need him to commit to you - you need to him to let you know what to *expect*. Even him saying "I have no idea what I want - I could want to marry her down the line; I might not"... even that is an expectation for you to consider. You can then ask yourself if you can deal with that uncertainty.

Questions like:
"Are you wanting a primary? How would you categorise our relationship?"
"Are your feelings for this girl altering your feelings for me?"
"Will I have to let you go if you eventually cohabit or get married?"
"How much time do you want to spend with *me*? (ignore other relationship)"

So, consider the following points together:

- you won't be comfortable just yet: you'll be insecure
- will he accept this and help you?
- will you work on it too?
- what triggers your insecurity? hearing about them? Ask him not to share. Not hearing about them? Ask him to share. Seeing them on Facebook, etc? Remove him from your list until you're more stable.
- would he like you to meet new girl at some point?

- what do you *both* want?
- is he in any way resentful, trying to "teach you a lesson", trying to show you what it's like when *he* isn't available?
- if so, can you acknowledge that and veer him away from it?
- are you happy for him to think of you as a secondary, with some adjustment time?
- is he happy being your secondary?

- whatever you come up with, don't leave the conversation until you are both clear on what you need, want, feel and expect. Leave with a clear picture of life ahead.
- agree that he will be open to primary partners?
- commit to certain amount of contact/time together?

- how will you two still have time together?
- how much time?
- how will new girl impact your relationship?

Don't forget that he's still going through NRE with his new girlfriend and he's experiencing adjusting his life to find room for a new person. It's completely understandable that you are feeling the sting of this. Talking to him should help, I hope!
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
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