Bear with me ya'll because I'm doing this from my phone yet again. So I can't quote anyone for my response. I completely agree to with the idea that all people involved need to be in the relationship 100%. I think that for me 100% means give and take with understanding of everyone elses needs as well. It has to be a team effort. There will always be a time where something slips between the cracks and it goes unnoticed until someone's needs aren't being met in the way that they need them to be met. I think it takes a lot of communication and trust to deal with the kinks that arise in a relationship.
The person with the need that isn't getting met needs to be able to communicate that to the other and they also need to be able to trust the other partner. That they will be open to hearing it because when someone has a need they become very vunerable and it can be scary to lay that weakness out on the table for others to see. It's also equally important for the person who isn't meeting the need to be able to trust that their partner isn't making a personal attack, by stating that a need isn't getting met that way they are able to be delicate and not take a defensive stance in the conversation. That person also needs to be able to communicate why they haven't been able to meet the need of the other person so that there is a clear understanding of where the disconnect happened.
Some might be surprised at the domino effect that they will uncover. For example, someone's sexual needs aren't being met. Maybe the person who doesn't want to have sex anymore will look deeper and find that they lost their sexual desire because their partner hasn't been helping around the house for a while and its making her tired and without realizing it she internalized that her husband doesn't care for her as much as he used to because he isn't helping lessen her load so that she isn't as tired. This would absolutely disconnect her from hims and their relationship in a lot of areas. She would find it harder to open up to him because shes feels as though he doesn't genuinely care and she has lost her safety net in speaking with him. Once she feels unsafe to open up emotionally then the sexual flood gates would definitely close. So once they have discovered this they first need to discuss why he stopped helping around the house and what it really means (not what she assumed it meant) and they need to heal the gap that was created and fulfill her need of knowing he cares and putting that safety net back up before he will be able to have his sexual needs met. AND he has to be willing to see the BIGGER PICTURE of balancing out the relationship once again before his needs. 100% is definitely a balancing act. While we might not always be 100% (which is why break downs happen) It is absolutely a MUST that all parties be 100% in resolving any and all problems or breakdowns.
As for the cheating, LR what you said about how it affected you.... You told my story. That is exactly how it was. Damaging for all involved including the cheater (me)
But back to the 100%, my friend (i have no idea what I'm supposed to call him yet. I refuse to call him my bf until he asks me to ; ) off topic I know) my friend and I had a convo today via text about the connection we share and I think it coincides quite well. So with his permission I am copying and pasting our dialogue from the convo (please don't vomit over the mushy parts). Its basically us talking about if what if there was something threatening our connection.
Him:With you I am effortless. Effortless in a way I've never known. Which scares me in a different way.
Me : Why does it scare you?
Him : Its why I'm working more for my self improvement. More than normal. I'm afraid ill get lazy with it being so effortless to understand you, to know what to say, How to react, when to listen to this and save that for later to discuss. Its just so easy I have fallen or I should say you have fallen victim to me laziness already. Though I tried to act before our connection was gone.
Me : That's part of the ebb and flow of any relationship. Not everyone is 100% all of the time, but what's more important is both of us being honest with ourselves and each other about our needs and also (extremely important) keeping an open heart and mind when things that we may be doing or not doing are brought to light by the other. I think the real connection comes from knowing that your partner wants the same thing that you do a healthy relationship. Knowing this makes it so much easier to hear about something we are lacking and it makes a world of a difference in the effort that we put into correcting any problems when we know that the other is only saying it to improve the connection not to point out a weakness of ours just for the sake of placing blame.
Him : X) it is normally hard for me to even hear criticism. But your words blunt and harsh as they have been slide against me and just what I needed to know sticks. You are perfect to me and I hope this gives you a good view as to why I think this.
Should I work on my bluntness and harshness lovey?
Him: Bubby your words, their inflections, your emphasis, your demeanor. Its all perfect to me. I honestly don't believe you could have gotten the me you have without it.
Me : Okay good, because its who I am. I don't think its something I could change.
Me : I think its hard for anyone to hear criticism, but when you can hear the person who's speaking of a lack of needs it shouldn't be viewed as criticism. When I say things for example, I feel neglected. It doesn't mean, you're getting lazy and you suck at life. It simply means, I need you so very much at this moment. I really don't think there would ever be a time where you would turn a blind eye to such a need and neither would I if it was reversed.
Me : Voicing needs should never be viewed as criticism. Its not a personal attack. Its more about the person asking for what they need from who they need it from. I wouldn't waste my time pointing out flaws of yours (except for our playful sassy banter and I don't see you as having "flaws") unless I felt it was taking away my connection with you and I hope that you will always trust me as I trust you with voicing my needs without a fear of rejection or backlash.
Him: Never more would I hold back my thoughts or feelings unless I'm not sure where to begin and it takes to long to find a beginning then you'll get the uncut Me.
Him: And to me bubby you are oh so flawless. You just argue it every time say it. So I playfully toss in, flaws and all X)
Me : : ) what do you mean by the uncut you?
Him: Means after I can't figure where to begin on (say a spiral) an issue to bring to you to help me work it out. Then you're just gonna have to sort through the jumble of thoughts with me.
Me : Lol well lovey. I see you as such a pillar of strength that I hope you will bear with me because seeing you flustered and jumbled will surely throw me for a loop. So if you will rub my back or give me some kind of comfort I will surely be able to hear your words over any swirling fears that may be going on in my head. We will help each other get to the bottom of whatever it is that's going on.
Him: X) yet again. ((smitten)) you never stop entangling me in with you in such a lovely way
Last edited by Ilove2men; 01-28-2010 at 02:30 AM.
Reason: making it more readable.