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Old 06-22-2013, 11:22 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I was back at square one today. One step forward, two back. I guess that's how it goes. It was a day of tears and heartache for things I cannot change and growth I cannot deny myself.

Huge talk with Mono in the last 24 hours. At one point we yelled at each other, but for the most part the yelling doesn't happen any more. Now its calm honest unravelling and untangling of words and feelings, gut feelings included. The gist of it is that I want to have the chance to try a simple life (simple for poly but not mainstream) of just us three living in our house raising LB together with Mono and I as an exclusive couple and PN finding his own romantic love path knowing he is still part of us together and close to me. Mono wants to flirt and date outside of that. He never wants to be with just me and never wants to be bound to traditional roles. He never has. I never said I wanted tradition, but I do want a chance for our relationship to heal and I can only see that happening in monogamy for awhile at the very least.

The confusing part is that he includes me in his life more than ever. We've never been so close physically or in terms of activities. I guess part of it is that I am around more. There is a seperateness that we have never had before though. At least on my part. Four years of NRE. Over. But for him, he's the closest he's been to me in years. I remain stead fast in my efforts to just get over all this and work on me. Most days I'm rather content at that; today was not one of them.

It occurs to me that I have been left out of a good bit of information where Brad is concerned. Finding out about stuff via other means than the person themselves seems disrespectful to me. It's hurtful. Silence doesn't seem to equal privacy in the end around my life. I always find stuff out somehow. It does not add to my trust at all and I am left feeling very uninspired to make an effort.

My trust of people has been damaged this year. I know I over think and blow things out of proportion but what's there to gain if communication is not open? Haven't I been down this road before?! There is no other way than pure vulnerability and openness in poly. Somehow, at what seems to be the brink of losing my circle of support, friendship and love, I feel as if I am being the one who is most vulnerable. At the risk of creating something I don't want to see happen, my life feels much as it did when I lost my community after breaking up with my ex-wife.
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