View Single Post
  #3  
Old 06-21-2013, 07:48 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,288
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
He declined, saying he wanted to have a monogamous relationship - he couldn't handle me in the picture.
This happens, unfortunately. It can be mitigated by being totally up front about being poly and explicit about non-monogamy, but it still happens on occasion. I've seen this described as someone being a "cowboy" or "cowgirl"... essentially trying to poach a monogamous relationship out of someone who is expressly polyamorous.

IV encounters this periodically on OKCupid. Guys will contact her, see that she is what they perceive as "easy", and go in. They never stop to consider that she won't leave her current lovers for them and that even asking her to do so is offensive. Still, they try to dive right in and try to get her to leave her lovers and join them in a happy little monogamous relationship.

It's just a disconnect that some monogamous people have with the idea of polyamory; not much to be done but to watch for the red flags.

Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
I can't shake the thought that once someone tells you they want you exclusively, continuing to sleep with them afterwards isn't cool
For me, in my relationships, I agree completely. I won't tolerate for a moment someone who mentions (even in passing) that they want me to be monogamous with them. "Check please.." is the next noise I will make.

Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
I'm not ok with my partner being with someone who isn't OK with me. It is still hurting me that she isn't 100% done with him.
I will not date a woman who classifies her husband/boyfriend/whatever as her "primary". The reason I will not do this is because I don't like the idea that my relationship with a person is subject to the whim of some outside party. If I have to end a relationship I want it to be because of what is happening with *us*, not because some insecure putz decided he wanted to yank her choke chain.

I say this because, it is a similar issue with my partner dating a cowboy. If my partner is willing to date a cowboy then that makes me uneasy. That means they are spending time with someone who is trying desperately to get them to leave me. Granted, I won't tell them who they should date but it does make me question whether or not *we* should be dating.

You don't get to decide for your partner who she dates, but you do get to decide if that is the kind of environment you want to be associated and whether you want to stay in it or not.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote