Originally Posted by charmedquark
I knew that Brian was having PIV sex with his girlfriend because he came into the room where I was with my boyfriend and actually got a condom out of a drawer, right in front of us, without saying a word about it. I could not believe my eyes. After he left the room, I said to my boyfriend, "Did he just get what I think he did?" Brian then proceeded into the next room, where his girlfriend was. He left the door to the room they were in wide open and my boyfriend and I could hear them going at it. If it had not been dark in there, we would have seen everything too.
Yes, he did obey the letter of what I asked, in that I didn't SEE it. But I sure heard it, which was just as bad. And otherwise, it feels that he was very insensitive to what I was going through, and I still think he was making a promise. I know I probably should have flat out asked him not to have intercourse with her, but we have been together a long time, and I really thought saying, "I am not comfortable with you doing this, but I don't feel I can ask you not to do it, so let me just ask that you don't let me see it" would be sufficient for him to offer to not to do it at all. And I thought that was what he was doing. He doesn't see it that way though.
Whatever the letter of the agreement, this is just a shitty asshole action of Brian.
Anyone with half a brain and who even remotely cares about their partners well being would know that you are hurting in that moment, and would know what it is that is hurting you. And he knows, I'm assuming, because you told him in therapy and in private.
And he blatantly chooses to disregard your feelings and literally rubs your face in it.
If he really thought the promise was to not let you see it, there are so many other options he could have taken. He could have brought his own condoms. He could have gone out and bought some. He and her could have gone some other place. And most of all: HE COULD HAVE SHUT THE FUCKING DOOR!!
To me this is just too much disregard for your feelings, done not out of ignorance, but on purpose.
(I'm dealing with similar issues with regards to my husband. He has a lower libido than I have and it has been difficult knowing that he has sex with his girlfriend every other day almost, while we have gone without for weeks at the time because he wasn't in the mood. Although in our situation it is slightly different, mental, not physical, I completely understand the hurt and pain of your love not wanting / not being able to have sex with you. No matter how you rationalize it, it still hurts. )
And although I'm happy for my husband and his girlfriend, in my insecure moments, it still fucking hurts. Which is mine to deal with, but as a spouse, a partner and someone who cares for my feelings, when I ask him to do or not do things because I'm feeling insecure, he doesn't do those things.
And I don't mean interfering with their relationship, but I mean things like not talking on the phone with her about sexual things when I'm nearby. Normally not a problem, but sometimes it is. So out of consideration and basic respect, when I let him know I'm having issues, he respects that and doesn't purposefully push my buttons.
Actually, when I let him know that I'm insecure about him wanting her more than me, he makes sure that I feel loved and wanted, even though we cannot (medically, on my side) have sex right now.
Seriously, maybe I'm taking all this a bit personal, but Brian sounds like at least at this moment, he is an in mature, in considered asshole who doesn't think about your feelings and only selfishly thinks about his own.