View Single Post
Old 06-21-2013, 01:32 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default I don't know you, so I feel weird commenting

But hopefully it will be helpful, also in regards to the words IP quoted where you said

I hear it but unfortunately I have also heard from Mono things that have made that change for me.

Sometimes it's important to remember that it takes a balance for poly relationships to feel easy, and that smooth sailing or whatever you picture when you envision your ideal life that includes being poly. Because everything in that quote except for maybe the last line could easily be seen as ideal poly. It's also that last line which almost sounded as if it was your thoughts paraphrasing his words, or what you took his words to mean, and if not IP is right, thoughts shared in an angry moment are not permanent thoughts, they are temporary thoughts and not necessarily the way a person feels the majority of the time. The way a person feels most of the time are the thoughts and feelings that are more permanent, and when you frame the way you feel about your relationships, it might be best to frame it with the more permanent thoughts.

Everyone gets angry, but so long as they deal with it, it's not exactly fair to yourself or your partners to hold that against them or trick yourself into thinking those aren't just fleeting thoughts when he is angry.

But everything else except for that last line, if you think about it, that is what most people with "poly problems" actually strive to obtain. People want to be perfectly fine when the partner is out with others. People look to obtain skills that can allow them to not miss their partner, many poly people wish they could offer their partners the total freedom to love anybody anyway the felt like it, which is very much the same as

He has expressed how it makes no difference what I do, where I am and whom I'm with

It not the most elegant way to put it, but it does seems to be the behavior that most people communicate they desire from their partners. It may be unspoken, many people seem to need their partners to exhibit identical behaviors within your quoted words.

So maybe it would help your situation if you let him know that it is OK to miss you, because it is a balance that makes a polyship sail like a bird flies, and if you forget to think of what is ideal for you and your partners to have balanced relationships, you might find yourself slipping into those polyships that sink for no reason other than nobody recognized that was what they were unconsciously doing.

When partners are all striving to give each other total freedom and be not the slightest bit bothered at all, it isn't always the best thing. Usually there is a little bit of fake it til you make it going on if you really couldn't care less, and if that isn't really even the "ideal" you are striving for, you will end up hurting each other because what you are asking your partners to be, is actually deleterious, especially if achieving what if asked is not what you are happy with.

I don't know you or your situation, but from what I read, that's what I got out of it.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-21-2013 at 01:53 AM. Reason: none
Reply With Quote