These two are the relationship skills I am practicing right now. Mainly in my relationship with Vanilla, whatever form that will take.
With the security issue, I've gained a lot of insight from Franklin Veaux's article Becoming Secure (http://www.morethantwo.com/becomingsecure.html
). Basically, he says you have to fake it to make it. So instead of sending anxious messages to Vanilla and not getting responses and blaming it all on myself for not being interesting enough or whatever, I will think that her response rate has nothing to do with me, but is more a reflection of her schedules and other commitments.
Self-soothing is something that was covered in the book Lesbian Couples by D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green. They write on page 38 "In the context of separateness and togetherness, self-soothing is the ability to calm your feelings when your partner moves closer or farther away emotionally. If your anxiety signals a problem that you two need to discuss, and you can self-soothe enough to talk about it, you are more likely to be emotionally present for that conversation. If your reactive feeling is triggered by the past and is not really about your partner, self-soothing and containing gives you time to figure out what is really going on."