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Old 06-17-2013, 07:05 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,587

Originally Posted by Dagferi
He is not a man of many words so that little small touches and etc are important to me. If they stop then I worry.

It is my issue not his
Good for you Dagferi; understanding where you end and everyone else begins is primary to being able to have a healthy relationship, imo.

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I know a lot of it is my own issues too..i want for flirting, more touching, and more affectionate texts etc. I need a lot, and thats not really his problem.
It isn't his problem but, it's not unreasonable for you to think that sucks. Some people have a great ability to identify their own issues and never project these issues onto other people. The rest of us have to hope that we can identify that we are putting the burden of our feelings onto someone else before we allow our feelings to turn into action. I find that I am better at it, as time goes along and I would consider myself to be in the advanced class of personal accountability - but sometimes reality can go screw itself and I just want someone to fix my problems for me.

As long as I remember that a feeling (even one that is totally irrational) is not intrinsically bad - allowing irrational feelings to motivate my action is almost certainly going to end in pain.

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
i guess I can just ask him not to go into the spouse stuff, but I also dont want to be shutting him out in anyway.
Unfortunately that's the risk, so if you do decide you want to curb how much information you get about his spouse then I suggest you do some thinking before putting it into words. If you can identify exactly what it is that you don't care to hear and can express that to him then you can decrease the chance that he will clam up entirely.

However, finding out *why* this information feels ugly to you will get you farther. Dealing with those emotions is always going to be more productive in the long term than trying to limit the information coming in. One is a solution, the other is a bandaid.

Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
Silly, but part of what got me on the cuddling comment was im going over there later to cuddle on the same couch. i know it doesnt matter, i know i like being poly, yet sometimes these little silly things get me!
That is silly, and possessive. Recognizing that is a good first step but getting that crap out of your head is going to greatly improve your ability to relate to your partners more effortlessly. I don't know what works for you, but sometimes I will fall back on a mantra to repeat until I can get free of those emotions. "That is not mine to control" or "It makes me happy to know that my partner is happy". It's kind of hokey, I know, but if it is being a little hokey or damaging my relationships because I'm being immature... I'll take hokey.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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