Thread: Matt's Thoughts
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Old 06-17-2013, 02:58 AM
Matt Matt is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Man, I don't ever post. Things are kind of levelled right now. The Mrs. was in Donington for a music weekend. She came home early yesterday morning. The kids helped her make my favourite brekky. Mum finally gave my Mrs. the recipe after all these years. They did well. Every day is my day when it comes to my kids and being a dad.

My thoughts towards polyamoury...that's complicated. It's something I can deal with in time. I need it to be like it was before. I still don't understand it. It's not a self-esteem thing. I know I'm a damn good man, and I'm good on my own. If she needs or wants something more, that has nothing to do with me. Arrogant or cocky? Nah. I'm confident. Does it make me happy to be around it? I can't front. I'm not thrilled about the idea of it being back in my life. I need more time before I'm ready to have it back in my life. The slimmest possibility doesn't excite me at this moment. I presented the Mrs. with my terms for even considering the idea again. I'm not opposed to them getting back in a relationship. I need my boundaries to be respected. Everything spiralled out of control in 2008, and we never got it back. I don't have any ill feelings towards polyamoury. My problems with it stem from how it was managed. With respect, better management, firm boundaries that won't be trampled over, and better communication, I'm sure it would be better.

I don't want to be out. The Mrs. can be whatever or whoever she wants to be. Provided it doesn't lessen the quality of my life. That was more of a courtesy to her and that relationship, and it caused a shit load of problems in my life. Problems I never expected and some that have caused aftershocks that are still being felt at this moment. Never again. My attitude on this is take it or leave it. It makes no difference to me.

Because of how much she was gone, if I have to live with this, I'm not going for her being gone all the time. I'm not cool with seeing my wife a couple of times a week. If I wanted to spend that much time alone, I'd be a bachelor and a single father. My boundary for this is no more than one overnight per week. I don't want to control my Mrs. I don't care what she does with her time, but nothing should interfere in our private time or our family time. Relationship, career, or other interests. I shouldn't have to make appointments to see her, my kids, or try to fit family time in. That should've been a given then. It is now. She knew I was a family man when she met me. Ain't shit changed. I'm the same man she met back in 1999. For the record, the only reason I'm cool with one overnight is because I'll be working overnight. I can't control anything if I'm at work, right? The Mrs. had a problem with the times I suggested. Our kids go to bed around 9-9:30 every night. We keep them on a schedule. I want one hour of quality time with her before we begin our respective nights. The times given to her were 10-6. From 6:30-7:30 every morning, I want to have some one-on-one time with her. This doesn't just apply to the overnight thing. The hour every morning and night is a daily requirement. Since we couldn't handle effective communication, I suggested that. We started that last week. If she gets back with the royal snowflake, I don't expect that to change. In fact, it will become even more necessary.

I've asked her to limit the amount of text messages and phone calls when we're together. If she's all wrapped up in a conversation with someone else, clearly I don't have her attention. I give her my full, undivided attention, and I expect the same common courtesy and respect.

I've asked her and the royal snowflake to give me notice and a heads up about plans. They were forever making last minute plans, and what happened was if I had planned something with my Mrs., it might have gotten pushed back. If I want to spend quality time with my lady, I should be able to do so, and it shouldn't have to change because my wife's girlfriend scored tickets to a concert. It pissed me off when my plans were thrown off. My wife sided with her ex way too many times, and that's going to change. My boundary for this is weekly meetings amongst the three of us. I don't care how they're conducted. Be it FaceTime, over dinner, at someone's house, or whatever. Just some type of chance for us to exchange schedules and outline plans for the week. Plus, hash out in any issues or address any needs that aren't being met. Communication was weak. That's one thing that must be improved.

I don't have a problem with the royal snowflake visiting our home or even sleeping over from time to time. All I ask is that she call or ask before just dropping by. Even my in-laws call before just showing up. They came by yesterday, but they called to make sure it was OK first.

Due to my new boundary of not being out, I don't want them showing PDA in front of the kids. My kid is getting older, and there's certain things I don't care to talk about with her. I don't care to explain to her why mummy was kissing her girlfriend. I also don't need her going to school telling what she saw. I don't want them exposed to poly at all. Until they turn 18, I have a right to say what I do and don't want my kids exposed to. I'm not trying to teach them to challenge what society teaches is right or wrong. Do you think an almost 5 year old and 1 year old care about society? It's an adjustment in and of itself for my kid to be going to school for the first time, and we're in agreement to not do anything to make it even more challenging.

I know that the royal snowflake isn't planning on taking on any other partners, but I insist on protected sex. I can't stop them from having sex, but I'm responsible for protecting my own health.

I don't want any part of their drama. Their relationship is theirs. Keep me out of it. If it doesn't affect me, why should I care? My boundary is keep your relationship drama out of our marriage, and we'll be OK. I'm not going for her bitching at me and talking about the issues in her relationship when I'm with her. Doesn't involve me? Don't include me in it. I'll gladly give advice and offer an unbiased opinion. Outside of that, if I don't ask, you don't need to tell me.

I expect the royal snowflake to respect my home, my marriage, my boundaries, and all parenting wishes. I want her to stay out of parenting. She can be in their lives as someone who loves them, but my kids aren't calling her mum. I've broken my kid of that, and if my Mrs. tries any funny business, there are ramifications in place. Just a little something to protect the best interests of my kids and to make sure that she doesn't try anything. She knows the consequences if she dares to try it.

As it stands now, she hasn't seen my kids since I don't even know when. I want her to prove that she's worthy of being in their lives. I can forgive her for any and all transgressions, but it doesn't change the fact that she hurt my kid. I have to learn to trust her again. Only way to do that is to build it. I invited her to the kid's show later on this week. I don't trust her alone with them, yet. She has to earn that back. Even when she does, she's not going to see them every day. There's no need for that. Their grandparents don't even see them every day, and they're blood relatives. Just because you're sleeping with my Mrs. doesn't mean you need to be that involved in their lives. I'm happy she loves them, but we're finally in agreement that a two-parent mould is sufficient.

As far as our friendship, we're getting along. We're actually talking. Not every day. Here and there. We're searching for therapists. Our new therapist gave me a few recommendations, and we're going to check them out. I don't have any problems with her. I got everything out when we talked last month. We both love Ry. She loves my kids. She seems truly apologetic for any havoc she caused. She's committed to repairing the damage and seeking therapy with me. She's respected my boundaries. She's staying out of parenting. She's apologised for everything. I'm not harbouring any resentment. Could things be better? Yeah. Our communication is just there. It's not good or bad. Kind of shrugging that off. I'm indifferent.

We know where we've been, and we're not going back there. Can only go up from here. I'm still hanging in there and fighting for our marriage. The good news is I'm not fighting on my own. It's what it is. Much calmer. More collected. Feeling more in control. Still tuning out quite a bit.

My words are running short, so until I log in and feel like posting something, I'm out. Peace.

Last edited by Matt; 06-17-2013 at 03:06 AM.
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