“Furthermore, some people just don't see any reason to adopt an identity and present themselves to the world based on what they do in the bedroom"
This is the statement that invalidated trillions of kinksters. You see, for many people, the lifestyle comes before the sex stuff. What they do in the bedroom is a representation of their wider relationships. It may even affect how they interact with people socially and how they wish to be interacted with. Protocol and that stuff. It doesn't mean you have to follow their rules,i rarely do, but it does mean they probably will be uninterested in bonding with you if you reuse to respect their rules. Either way, their kink orientation is what governs their lifestyle and identity for a large part, it isn't just what they do in bed.