View Single Post
  #10  
Old 06-16-2013, 12:11 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Simone View Post
I feel competitive with women, but not men. I had a very difficult time from 10 - 15 years. Went to an all girl boarding school and was bullied horrendously (physically and emotionally) for years.
I can relate to this in a way. I was treated horribly by nearly all of the kids I grew up with. Small town, small minds, and very cruel.

It is good that you know where your competitiveness and lack of trust with women comes from. However, self-knowledge, acknowledging our histories, and using the epiphanies and revelations we have about ourselves as tools for growth, are vastly different things from throwing one's hands up and saying, "that's why I am the way I am."

You wouldn't drive a car only looking in the rear-view mirror. The rear-view mirror is useful to know where you came from, but where are you now and where are you going? The past affected you and helped make you who you are, yes, but it is now behind you. The challenges and limitations we have are meant to be faced and transcended, not merely accepted as fact. Ask yourself (and your therapist) what you can do to no longer let yourself be victimized by your past, and be able to move forward.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Simone View Post
Also starting to feel less attractive as I approach 40 years and feel threatened by my bf having younger women as FBs.
Again, good insights. But you need to drill down to what's underneath your insecurities. Then work on ways to gain confidence and refute your self-limiting beliefs. As they say in 12-step programs, if you want to build your self-esteem, then do esteemable things. Boost up your own opinion of yourself by meeting challenges and accomplishing things that make you proud of who you are. And stop comparing yourself (feeling less attractive, too old, etc.). Whenever we play the compare game, we lose - there will always be someone else more attractive, younger, smarter, cooler, whatever. Don't go there.

The insecurities and less-than-stellar ideas we have about ourselves may be with us until our dying breath, but we don't have to pay credence to them. Working on ourselves in ways that help us get very familiar with our thought processes and belief systems, and to like ourselves, is the way to let those "negative voices" fade into the background and just be like bad wallpaper.

Restricting those we love with rules meant to keep us safe from our own lack of regard for ourselves is not the way to happiness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Simone View Post
I think the added difficulty is that I have a growing awareness that I'm not really sure I want to be in an open relationship anymore.
This sounds to me like possibly another method of escapism (the first being your idea of establishing strict rules for your bf), so you don't have to deal with your icky feelings. Again, I don't think that tactic will accomplish much for you.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
Reply With Quote