Originally Posted by Nadya
It was a very beautiful process and I can happily look back to it now and feel good about my life then and my life now.
You're very lucky to be able to do that! In the generally sex-negative society we live in it's a real gift to be able to have had a positive introduction to intimacy.
From my own background in Taoist Sacred Sexuality I would have to say that the OP seems to have her sexuality well and truly under a mental gridlock put in place by, I'm guessing, her family or religion. The real problem with this is that it can make it very difficult, as Magdlyn alludes to, to get in contact with the physical, emotional and (tao-speak) energetic processes that take place when Jing Qi (sexual energy) starts to flow.
On the positive side, it can be a big plus that the OP is wanting to make conscious choices when it comes to when and with whom to explore her sexuality.
On the down side the long list of mental and emotional pre-conditions she has in place may make it tough for her to actually enjoy, experience and feel good about herself and her actions once she does decide to proceed.