View Single Post
Old 06-16-2013, 07:45 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485

Originally Posted by london View Post
I have issues with women. Huge ones. Don't trust them at all. So i'm with you there. However, what you're doing is showing you don't trust your partner. If I was him, I'd have left you already. Those kind of control issues are unacceptable. Totally. Those rules are ridiculous. I think it's inconsiderate to agree to a poly relationship and then restrict someone to that degree because of your insecurities. My first step would be to apologise sincerely for instating them,a promise to work on your issues and then the very most basic rule of only sharing things that will impact on other relationships.

If you really can't deal with not having that control over who he sees and what he does in his own bed, let him go. Let him have healthy and happy relationships whilst you work on yourself and then maybe, in the future, you can get back together.
When my husband and I first opened our relationship, I would (and did) have asked for the same kind of rules OP is requesting. Now, 4 years later, I am much more inclined to agree with london here... which is an interesting observation to me.

You say you've been poly for a while, but (if I'm reading this correctly) mostly on your terms, and those terms haven't been really challenged until now.

Poly will challenge you and it will never stop challenging you - it's just a matter of how much you are willing to take on this challenge.

Also - I DO feel that different relationships require different 'tactics' when the dynamics change. When my husband and I started poly we'd been together for 15 years. 15 years of loyal monogamy is not something one disassembles overnight. We NEEDED those rules, both of us, to adjust.

Now when my BF found another GF, after being with only me for over a year, I made the mistake of expecting him to follow the same rules and strategies that my husband and I had followed. Which was unrealistic, not in tune with the type of relationship BF and I were having, unfair to him, and also (this is the most important part) not REALLY what I needed, but only something I THOUGHT I still needed because I had needed it 4 years ago.

Think really carefully about your issues and struggle. Is this a problem because of you, your personal history? Give your BF freedom and work on yourself. Is it really a struggle of the relationship with your BF? then work on it together, talk about it, think of ways to make it easier for both of you. But try to make the distinction between these 2 types of struggle.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years
Reply With Quote