Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility
Och RP - your struggles make me sad for you. I very much hope that you can find your way to a resolution.
I have been reading your blog for a while now and I too wonder if it might help you to get some professional help for your issues around being abandoned. It seems that they cause you so much grief.
You have spoken sometimes about it being an impossible dream to have somebody be monogamous with you - to have a partner who loves you and nobody else. I wonder why? This isn't an impossible dream - lots of people have that and many of them for prolonged periods of time. Do you feel that it's impossible that anybody could feel that way for you?
It has seemed to me that in your case, maybe your decision to live the life you do is to avoid ever being alone. You surrounded yourself with partners but still wrote regularly about meeting new folks interested in poly for coffee dates and maintained a profile on OKC. You wrote once about being terribly upset because Mono chose to stay over with friends of yours rather than come home with you and how upset you were that even with 4 partners you still sometimes found yourself alone.
These seem like strong responses to being alone and you seem to have made very little progress with fixing them - maybe some outside, professional help would be a good idea?
This - why would your love being with somebody who isn't you while you are away be a problem? Should they sit alone, pine and wait for you to come back? People can love you and you can be incredibly special to them without them being alone whenever you guys aren't together.
And this. I agree with you. I very often see no significant difference between friends and loves. In fact, I don't even limit it to human beings. One of the most powerful connections in my life and strongest friendship was with a dog.
To me, this is a good thing. To you this seems to be a source of sadness.
Why not talk about friends? I talk about mine loads. I am friends with some amazing people who fill my life with interest, affection and love. They are fascinating, vibrant individuals and I talk about them.
I hope you are able to find some peace soon.
Thanks for your words. It's given me a bit of hope that someone might decide to be monogamous with me if we should chose.
I don't expect others to not do anything without me. I just want to BELIEVE that I am missed, that others will want to be with me, wish I was there and wish they were with me. Not in a pining way but in a "I'm living my life but I will see you later and can't wait!" way. I hear it but unfortunately I have also heard from Mono things that have made that change for me. He has expressed how it makes no difference what I do, where I am and whom I'm with. He says he doesn't miss me and hasn't for a long time. He feels nothing when I'm gone and doesn't wish to be with me any more. He wants me to feel the same about him. I don't. It's left me uncertain about where I stand with everyone in everything they do. Could everyone of felt like that?
Part of this is why one partner might suit me better. The weight of thinking that all my partners felt this way has been, well, weighty. I have really taken his words to heart. It should be fine to just get about my own business and be fine with whatever, but its shaken me and I am working through it.
I didn't cause Mono to feel that way. He admits it's him who puts far too much emphasis on what he thinks his responsibility and I wonder if his words are back lash of that some how. Still, I'm flailing under their weight and the weight of other things he has said.
My realisation that even with four partners I still feel alone somehow was a just one of many indications that I have work on myself to do. I'm doing it. Perhaps I need more help but really, to me, spending the night camping with my boy and not losing my mind with anxiety is an indication I'm doing better. This morning I am panicked a bit... but talking myself through it and rationalizing with myself. It will come. And yes, if I need help I will seek it out.