Writing on here has been incredibly cathartic for me. There have been such incredible highs and lows in my life since we started on this journey. In some ways I feel like I have been reborn in the fire that Elemental and I created in our lives with poly. I had the very fabric of my being tested, and retested as I came up against insanely uncomfortable situations, emotions and realities over the past year and a half. Some of the most intense and satisfying sexual experiences of my life has happened during this time frame as well. I don't regret any of it.
My life is a strange and wonderful beast, and I am grateful for it on a daily basis. I value honesty, integrity and strength of character, and truly believe that each individual person has an immense capacity for growth and change. I believe that we each shape our worlds through the choices that we make, and don't make. I believe in creating and participating in community, in fighting for what you know is right, and in investing in one's physical, spiritual and mental health. I believe that one's partner(s) should uphold strong core values, respect and honesty.
Elemental has been txting Sync again, and lying to me about it. When everything was going down between us last year, I installed a program on Elemental's phone that made a back up of txts on his phone. It's how I watched the txts between him and Sync flurry back and forth while he was supposed to be working hard, him deleting them all before he came home for the night. How she and he would mock our relationship, flirt, talk about their love for each other, and all the while he would come home and look me in the eye and live our life together. When I confronted him, I didn't tell him about the software; I had friends advise me to leave it on there and stay silent, and to see what happened over time. It made me feel like a shitty person, but we were supposed to have transparency, so what was there to hide? His mouth had already told me lies while he looked into my eyes, and I wanted to be sure. I do know that it was an invasion of privacy. Perhaps there is no justification for that for some people, and I'd understand that judgement.
I re-opened my heart to Elemental after he assured me up and down that he was done with Sync. But I still checked. And when month after month passed without him being in touch with her, I felt like we were really, and truly past it. And then I checked the software in an offhanded way, chastising myself mentally for still having it on there, because he had re-earned my trust. And I found that he had txted her.
And so I asked him. And he denied it. I asked him again. He denied it again. I asked him to swear on his love for me. He did that. Fuck it, I asked him to swear on my mother and his mother's life. He did that too. He told me that he didn't even know her number anymore. He told me that he was over her, that he had lost all respect for her (although his txts referred to his love, how he missed her every day, etc). He told me that he would never jeopardize our relationship again.
I left it. And I thought about it for a few days. Was I willing to accept those lies? Was it largely innocent at its core? I talked to friends whom I trust and respect. I went for long walks. I sunk into the feelings of happiness with a man who has built his whole life on integrity and hard work in TheDirector, and I realized that I wanted a different life. Not with TheDirector, just a different life. That I no longer want to be lied to, pushed, deceived. That I wanted him to tell me the truth.
And so I sat down with him, and asked him. I asked him to look into my eyes and tell me the truth. He told me that he had not been in touch with Sync, that he didn't know her number, that he couldn't believe that I would suspect him of it. And so I read his own words to him, and told him that I was done being married to someone who lies to me.
I feel like I have learned so much about forgiveness, acceptance and tolerance over the last year and a half. I have had my emotions pushed to the brink of near insanity. I have found the way back to my own heart, and the values and experiences in this life that I uphold above all others.
There was no big dramatic scene for me last night. I drove to a lookout point that I have been going to for almost twenty years, and sat with my back against a soaring cedar tree, watching the sun fall behind the hillside. I thought about Sync in our lives; about Elemental pushing us through every single boundary that him and I had collectively agreed upon. About the sneaking, the lies and deceit. About the hurt. About the selfishness, upset and insanity of it all. I thought about him swearing on our love that he wouldn't lie to me again about it. I thought about me pulling the anchor of my heart out of the sea of despair and getting ready to journey forward with Elemental, only to have him dishonour everything that we had built yet again. And I chose.
On the way home I played over how the conversation would go. I thought about the things that Elemental would say and do. And he did. I know him almost as well as I know myself after our six and a half years together. I felt quiet inside, listening to him lie. Not getting sucked into the drama, not allowing myself to traverse down well worn paths I confronted him, and endured the upset around me violating his privacy. I endured him telling me that it was the 'last time' and that he was 'trying to protect our relationship' by lying to me. "You looked me in the eye and lied to me Elemental. If you wanted to protect our relationship, you would have never sent her messages in the first place. I want a different life for myself."
I called my mother as he left the house and drove away. She has long been aware of our struggles, of our fighting, of my unhappiness. She loves me in a way that nobody else can; she created me - she forged me in her own body and soul. 'Enough is enough' she said. We talked, we laughed, and I felt quiet and strong inside.
I know that I will regret this decision for years. This incredible love that I have in my soul for Elemental is unlike any that I have ever known before. I have never known someone so well, or been with someone for so long before. I know that I will waver, fumble and fall at different times. I know that this will be hard. I also know that it is the right decision for me.
And so I may not write much for awhile. I will be jogging a lot, doing yoga, playing piano, working, spending time with friends, watching movies, having baths, journalling, going to counselling, meditating and planning for a different future for myself. I will be doing all of the things that I have learned how to do over the years. I will be disassembling a life with Elemental, and looking into a new reality.
So thank you, for being a part of my journey. For being my online community. Especially thank you Mags; your spicy personality and succinct words have always given me food for thought. I remember you saying that your husband couldn't stop sneaking around, and that you had stayed for much longer than you needed to. I'm choosing something different, and I know in part my courage comes from you.
Life is a twisty, strange place. It never turns out how you think it might, but so far, that has turned out to be a series of the most incredible lessons and gifts that a girl could ask for.
Wherever you go.... there you are.
Last edited by BaggagePatrol; 06-15-2013 at 01:35 PM.