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Old 06-15-2013, 07:06 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I'm sitting in the woods at a camp ground having organized and come to a camp for LB's school. Its dark and warm and the campers are finally quiet. It occurs to me that I am doing this on my own. I usually have someone with me. Its just LB and I. I feel rather odd about it. Usually I would panic. I'm calm and grounded in the trees. Even loving and connecting with myself. This may just be the summer of loving me.. and me only.

If I text someone they are instantly there. Boom. Response. It's an illusion of connection. They are half with me and mostly with others. It makes me angry and sad at the same time and I wonder about that. If I don't think about it then I believe they miss me, long to be here too, wish I were there, and think I'm their special someone who they love and is loved by me. I'm not. It's an illusion. They are with someone else and really its just nice to get texts. I am just a person they want to keep around. I'm nothing more special than the next person. Just one in a crowd of people they know. There is nothing me nor they can do about that. I just carry on and wait for someone who fills my world and mourn what doesn't exist anymore for me.

It occurs to me that my NRE with Mono lasted four years. How's that for a record. No wonder I am struggling. He was my world. I fell into him. How odd to see him from this distance. He's just a man. A man I used to be so connected with and bonded with I could read his mind. Now he's a fragment of that. He still haunts me though. It's torturous being still here with him in our lives. Like a slow break up that never ends. I walk around this camp site in indifference and alone.... I guess that better than the pain. I await joy again.

I listened to the chatter around the fire tonight. Couples talking of how they met and their love and devotion to one another. I was resigned to having nothing to add to the conversation. I felt nothing but alone. Strangely, I didn't care. Poly adds no pride in who I am now. I thought of saying something of my life and who is in it as people who I care for and who care for me but it felt as if I were talking about friends. Not loves. I have heard enough mono people not get how love is expansive and can be spread to many loves. I get that right now. Focussing attention on one means something to them. I see no difference between friends and loves in my life tonight. I don't talk about friends so why talk about poly.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-15-2013 at 07:13 AM.
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