Something Cindie doesnt seem to get in painting a glowing pic of your former poly life--- I always thought your life seemed a bit frenetic, overly busy. Kid, full time job, PN, Mono, Derby, NSBf, then Ken and Brad and burlesque and gardening and organizing campouts and speaking at poly cons... good grief!
You've briefly mentioned 'wookin pa nub" in your 20s, giving your body away in a "bad" slut way...
In your 30s, into your 40s you kept running from your issues with this busy busy busyness.
Now, you say you're working on abandonment issues. Let's look at that! You seem like a wounded child, rootless, clueless. Why are you avoiding therapy? Come on, RP! Go see someone, every week. You've got a deep wound that Mono, or mono, can't fill. Posting random things here isn't enough.
Maybe I am completely insane.
Not completely, but... maybe a little? You need professional help. Blogging can only do so much.